Bidet is the way, for sure. Butt if you don’t have access to that, and you are unfortunately enough to have a messy shit, I suggest spitting on the toilet paper (and give it an extra fold so that it doesn’t tear).
A one night stand told me she does this after admiring my bidet. I found it very animalistic. Haven’t tried this method, but now that you’ve reminded me I’ll give it a go the next time I’m forced to use a public restroom.
Most bathrooms have sinks, you can just wet some toilet paper if there’s no bidet.
Sure, I’ll just wave hi to the folks at the urinals as I waddle over to the sink with my shit caked ass.
Hawk tuah
You need to shit some more. There is still ink in the pen.
Use a bidet, I find whenever I have a burning, the bidet does it.
The blood is likely from a popped hemroid
Moving to Finland was the best thing for my my butt. So clean.
Obviously, a bidet is the best way to have a clean butt, but baby wipes are a good compromise when in public bathrooms, they clean much better than dry toilet paper. Or wash on the side of the bathtub.
Don’t flush them no matter what the packaging says, though.
How fucking strong is your toilet that you could flush an entire bidet down it?
They aren’t. That’s why you shouldn’t flush one!
Americans don’t get much fiber so the toilets have to be severely overbuilt.
This is true, my American uncle once flushed an F150 to save on towing costs after one of the con rods made a window in the block
I am adding “made a window in the block” to my lexicon. Thank you.
Anon needs to eat more fiber
Funny how there’s always a completely moot discussion about wiping techniques or bidets when the real issue with people having to wipe 20 times is almost always diet.
If you think that’s bullshit go ahead and buy a small (for testing) pack of psyllium husk, consume two table spoons a day (in water or on top of a meal) and witness yourself becoming One-Sheet-Shane on the throne in 3 days.
Psyllium Husk tastes like dirt, try Inulin instead. It’s basically tasteless and does the exact same thing.
witness yourself becoming One-Sheet-Shane on the throne in 3 days.
<afterChipotlewayComercial>
¡Not everybody’s got a Golden Asshole, Kyle!
and probably a shave
Honestly, being constipated has always been good for not having a messy ass. It’s being regular or having diarrhea that is messy.
Eh I find truly regular isnt that messy. Its the liquid or liquids mixed with gas that get messy. True regular just slides out, sometimes so easily there isn’t even anything visible on a sheet after the first wipe.
Bidet.
gang 🤞
My house has four bathrooms and three bidets. My teenage son just won’t get on board with having a clean ass.
Maybe he has a sensitive ass.
It’s gentler than tp
Maybe he thinks touching his butthole would make him gay and a bidet would force him to wipe.
I gave up on reddit years ago but whenever someone posts about bidets it reminds me of my favorite reddit exchange
Someone posted asking why americans don’t use bidets. I commented, saying “am american, use bidet. Love it, shits tight”
Eventually a reply came from a confused esl person asking me if I had a constipation problem because they didn’t understand the colloquialism “shits tight”
I think about that exchange more often than I should
they didn’t understand the colloquialism “shits tight”
¡Duce’s Loose!
<wavesPinkyAndThumbInTheShaka>
I mean a bidet would help with tight shit as well.
Would require good water pressure. Although that’s a careful balancing act because you can go too far the other way. Then that’s an embarrassing hospital visit.
Doubtful. I have never heard of residential water pressure high enough to do any damage.
A bidet is a miracle device, helps in any and all situations. Diarrhea? Solved. Constipation? Solved. Regular? Surprisingly, solved. Wanna do the front too? Can be a bit awkward but it’s got you covered (in water, of course). Washing the throne? Solved. Basic calculus? Solved. Advanced calculus? Believe it or not, solved. Taxes? Avoided. Marriage counseling? Ever since I got my bidet my wife says my “stench is less appalling”. Solved, baby. I even use it to water the garden and defend my house from intruders.
Cannot recommend enough.
Thirsty? Solved!
Neti pot? Solved!
Joe Bidet?
I wonder if OP forgot to fold the TP or use a new clean bunch and is just wiping their ass over and over with their own shit.
After the fourth wipe it starts falling apart.
Bidets… You don’t have bidets?
Nah he didn’t even run for reelection
Why would I stop wiping? There’s still blood back there!
Bro, wash your ass. You don’t even need to get that fucking deep, just buy a shower scrubber.
Please don’t use a scrubber against your asshole. A washcloth you throw in the laundry after, or just your hands with lots of soap before and after is fine. You’re not going to awake any forbidden desires, you’re just making sure your body is clean.
You’re not going to awake any forbidden desires, you’re just making sure your body is clean.
Never say never, anal massage isn’t wholly unpleasant.
Eventually there is blood but no shit.
Better red than bidet!
It’s the only way I can finger myself without it being gay
If “red” rhymes with “bidet” you’re highly American
Honestly ask your doctor If you have hemroids, it’s common and can bei treated
Obligatory bidet comment. You don’t have to wipe like you’re trying to get peanut butter out of carpet. All shits become the same with a bidet, whether a short sticky stoagie or a hot wet mess of diarrhea. Imagine trying to clean a mud snowman off your driveway with a pressure washer. It can do anything.
You are a master of imagery.
I’m not gonna pressure wash my tush, that’s a terrible metaphor! Too much power!
Tl;dr: too much pressure can result in an unwelcome “deep clean”, not recommended as a surprise.
You really have to limit the pressure to the bidet. We ultimately installed a little in-line valve but raw dogged it initially. I thought I’d be fine. “It has a dial,” I thought to myself, “I just won’t crank it up all the way.” I’m an idiot.
The next time I was really sick was when it happened. I was little kid sick, the kind of sick where you’re feverish, nauseated, and delirious, barely able to function, yet still have to drag yourself through the house and half-assedly slap your arms at things until they work, just to fulfill basic functions like drinking water and using the toilet. A toilet with a bidet.
I had just finished power blasting the porcelain for the umpteenth time and I wanted nothing more than to wash it away and ooze back into bed. I gathered all my willpower to swing an unwilling appendage over and twist the knob, but I twisted much too far and my aim… my aim was perfect. Bullseye.
In martial arts, they teach you not just to strike your target, but to strike through your target. The bidet didn’t just blast my anus, it blasted through my anus. If we were at the fair, my bidet would have popped the balloon and taken home the big bear. My wife claims she heard me cry out a high-pitched “eeeep!”, but I don’t remember it. I just remember shock and confusion as I pawed at the bidet knob. The bidet had slammed its way straight to home plate and beyond, on to the “fifth base” of legend.
I ordered a valve online that day and installed it as soon as I was able. Never again, not without intent, preparation, and a safe word.
this is a work of fucking art
I have never used a bidet.
What I do use with every shit is a bidet shower.
You get a nice gentle but strong enough stream which you control all the time.
Also, I never shoot it directly at my anus, but more like from an angle, so even if it suddenly had 10x the flow, it wouldn’t go into my arse.
Pretty much every single bathroom in Finland has these. As in even gas stations and bar toilets usually have one stall with a sink in the stall and a bidet shower attached.
You don’t have to wipe like you’re trying to get peanut butter out of carpet.
I lol’d
So until they read about it on the internet they were leaving their butthole covered with shit all day?
Always remember to follow the two knuckle rule.
Two knuckles deep or what?
It can be either two knuckles on the same finger or one knuckle from two fingers.
