Could’ve been one sentence.
‘You are what you eat,’ the Blue Fairy told Pinocchio, who turned his gaze on the elementary school.
I think you’ve improved it a lot, but it loses a little punch with a single sentence in my opinion. I would do:
“You are what you eat,” the Blue Fairy told Pinocchio. He gazed toward the elementary school.
IMO, the second sentence feels like it’s cut off because I’m expecting an adjective at least, like:
He gazed toward the elementary school with a glint in his eye.
Or,
He gazed towards the elementary school and muttered ‘I wouldn’t hurt them’, as his nose began to grow.
Though the one-sentence format is preferable for me.
Failed too efficient. Technically now a one sentence horror story. DQd until revised.
“and then a ghost popped out!!!”
I think one sentence makes it hit less hard. It’s more surprising with two sentences, and the “sly eyes” and the paragraph break help with it.
It needs the pause for processing. In a story, yours is preferable. In extreme short form online storytelling, it needs to completely set the stage for the majority of the literary diaspora in those communities to be able to digest it.
“You are what you eat” the Blue Fairy’s wisdom echoed, as Pinocchios gaze turned towards the elementary school.
Not better
♪OK then I’m a legal aid, Erin Brockovich is my name♪
Vonnegut is my favorite, the one I model my own writing style after. Galopagos is my jam.
Why does Pinocchio want to turn into a school?
Wants to reform education. He’s been concerned about recent reports of attention disorders in kids
He wants to be filled with kids.
Oh, carry o… wait a minute
Haha, Pinocchio are lots of wood, what a champ.
In case anyone is wondering whether Lemmy has such a venture:
Spot on reply 😂
Technically he wants to be a real boy? Doesn’t seem as horror as I first thought.
