SnokenKeekaGuard@lemmy.dbzer0.com to Lemmy Shitpost@lemmy.world · 17 days agoPapa I'm scaredlemmy.dbzer0.comexternal-linkmessage-square19fedilinkarrow-up11arrow-down10
arrow-up11arrow-down1external-linkPapa I'm scaredlemmy.dbzer0.comSnokenKeekaGuard@lemmy.dbzer0.com to Lemmy Shitpost@lemmy.world · 17 days agomessage-square19fedilink
minus-squareParadachshund@lemmy.todaylinkfedilinkarrow-up0·17 days agoI think you’ve improved it a lot, but it loses a little punch with a single sentence in my opinion. I would do: “You are what you eat,” the Blue Fairy told Pinocchio. He gazed toward the elementary school.
minus-squareZozano@aussie.zonelinkfedilinkEnglisharrow-up0·edit-217 days agoIMO, the second sentence feels like it’s cut off because I’m expecting an adjective at least, like: He gazed toward the elementary school with a glint in his eye. Or, He gazed towards the elementary school and muttered ‘I wouldn’t hurt them’, as his nose began to grow. Though the one-sentence format is preferable for me.
I think you’ve improved it a lot, but it loses a little punch with a single sentence in my opinion. I would do:
IMO, the second sentence feels like it’s cut off because I’m expecting an adjective at least, like:
He gazed toward the elementary school with a glint in his eye.
Or,
He gazed towards the elementary school and muttered ‘I wouldn’t hurt them’, as his nose began to grow.
Though the one-sentence format is preferable for me.