I’ve had several conversations/arguments recently with my brother making clear my system of values and my hatred for the wealthy. He is nearly diametrically opposed on all accounts and often makes light of their actions. He goes so far as to say that poor people and people in need of social services should have to figure things out for themselves. He often defends Elon Musk and champions him for being self made.
He is getting married in a foreign country soon and I have been able to put aside our differences and have been planning on going
…up until yesterday that is. I asked him of his thoughts on Musk’s seig heil maneuver and he sent a right wing meme of democratic leaders caught mid wave, saying that “they did it first”. He continued to be avoidant and didn’t respond to me calling it a strawman.
In this moment it feels necessary to cancel my plans to send a message that this is not ok. Am I the (or an) asshole for not going to his wedding because of this?
Jesus go outside and touch some grass
“If 10 people sit on a table with a Nazi, there are 11 Nazis on that table”.
You are not the asshole.
That’s quite a strong table, holding 11 people
The other 10 are just infants obviously.
Personally I think you’re pushing one hot button waiting for it to blow. I’m sure my father voted for trump. Should I not see him because of it? Or half of America? Wanting your brother to agree with you by punishing him just makes you look childish.
That said, I don’t know the rest of the dynamic. Others might say it’s worth it but honestly you all are just fighting over minor values. Do you expect all family to have exactly your values? Are you a liberal? Because this honestly seems like a lib more than a leftist move. Playing intellectually superior while trying to emotionally hurting the other.
I have compromised with my family my entire life and it has taken a mental toll on me. They have talked down to me and ridiculed my values for much of my life. I am deeply committed to human rights on a personal level and spend much of my free time volunteering in my community. These are not minor values. Perhaps I’m being extreme but making light of a nazi salute is also quite extreme.
I have compromised with my family my entire life and it has taken a mental toll on me. They have talked down to me and ridiculed my values for much of my life…
IMHO, this is the core / bigger issue. Maybe work on this first.
I still think you should go. And also I can’t judge if you are political online only or not but if you truly spend a lot of your time working based on your values and they belittle you, you do need to draw a line.
Them attacking you, if true, is different from you picking a fight with your brother over a minor issue.
I agree with the other commenter that you go to the wedding then make your decision. Them liking musk and you not going to their once in a life time event is a nuclear escalation.
Your brother isn’t just passively going along with it because “muh eggs expensive,” he’s drank the kool-aid and he’s a lost cause. Don’t listen to these fucking concavebrains telling you to pal around with enthusiastic supporters of nazis, especially when it comes at the expense of your health.
Go to the wedding. That is a really big deal. After that don’t engage with him on politics. Maybe don’t engage at all. Show up for birthdays and maybe a holiday or two. Do the ‘quiet quitting’ of family interaction. You aren’t going to change their mind. I’ve been trying for 20+ years and it’s just gotten worse.
Why drag it out? The brother is clearly a lost cause, OP should just burn that bridge already instead of suffering longer than is necessary.
How much sandpaper did you get through to make your brain this smooth? The gap between the values of fascism and human decency isn’t “minor,” it’s fucking monumental. If your values are only a minor step away from those of fascists, that’s a you problem.
Attacking me just like in OP’s post? Easy block. Others agreed with me, no reason to be a jerk. No one else was.
This is my read too. Cut someone out of your life for their shitty actions, not their shitty opinions.
Depends on how strongly you value your relationship with your brother. He may be a fuckwaffle, but he is your fuckwaffle. It’s big of you setting your differences aside. If you don’t go, and he means a lot to you outside of his political views, then you might regret not going. If you don’t really care for him and political ideology is more important then dont go. I think not going is kind of crossing the Rubicon, but I don’t know the situation part from your details
I think you’re the most correct person here.
OP, it’s your life and relationships. Of course people on the internet will tell you to pull the trigger on the nuclear option, because they don’t experience any of the fallout of you making a hardline decision.
I’m not saying go to the wedding. I’m just saying consider how it might affect your relationship with him and the rest of your immediate family and decide if that’s going to be a better situation overall, before acting.
I agree. Don’t think about it like going to the wedding or not. Decide if you want to cut ties with your brother and possibly other parts of your family. Maybe also people that don’t share his political opinions but still side with him in terms of the wedding. Chances are high that not going will permanently damage your relationship to your brother and possibly other family members that side with him. If you value your ideals higher than your family, that’s perfectly okay. But from perspective you aren’t forced to do that.
Very level headed answer. We like to stand on principle here, but if OP doesn’t go that’s pretty much the end of their relationship, we’re talking decades to repair. If that’s what OP wants that’s what OP wants, but in this case it might be better to take the high ground and say “I think your political views are horrendous, but you’re still my brother”. Get a few drinks then duck out after the speeches.
Supporting Nazis is a perfectly fine reason to cut someone out of your life for good. In fact, you’d be an asshole if you did go.
life is too short to voluntarily deal with fascists, blood relative or not. no reason to go. nta
You aren’t the asshole. A Nazi apologist is still a Nazi. The apologists are the ones who open the gates so the Nazis can get in.
You’re right, but remember that gates are bidirectional. Maybe in the future there’ll be a point where his brother reconsiders his political views but if he’s only surrounded by similar-minded folks, it’s way harder to break out of that social circle.
Show him you’re the bigger person, support him on this happy day, then be on with it. Not going to his wedding would not only make you the enemy. It’d also create hostility and he may be left thinking that your political beliefs drove you away and made you abandon your family. Don’t let some billionaire be the wedge in your relationship with your family.
pEOpLe rEFuSINg To bE aROunD NAzIs aRe the ONeS whO crEAte ThE reAL hOSTILitY 🙄
Not to hijack but my dad is a pretty staunch Trump supporter and I still love him dearly. I blame the pundits, the propagandists, and Trump more than I blame him. I’ll never forgive them for planting the thought in my brain that the world might be a little bit better without my father in it. There are definitely evil people in the MAGA ranks but a staggering number are just easily duped.
If your brother defending a nazi salute at a nazi inauguration isn’t reason enough for you to sit out his wedding, what on earth would be?
Your last paragraph contains the clue. What message do you genuinely believe your brother will understand from you refusing to attend his wedding? Will it do any good?
If yes, then don’t go. If no, then put that thought aside and reconsider whether you actually want to go, then decide based on that.
I think you’re well aware that small political differences shouldn’t get in the way of family and have worked to be tolerant in the past.
You’re not an asshole. You’re an adult. You shouldn’t do this lightly but if you’ve given this serious consideration you should follow your heart.
If you think literal Nazis being in charge of the country is a small political situation I’d love to hear what the big one is
A nazi salute isn’t exactly a small political difference.
“small political differences”
A nazi salute isn’t a small political difference…
Perhaps I should clarify things even further:
They are actually already married and I was at their first wedding. It was done at the courthouse during the pandemic so they could initiate her greencard application. This upcoming wedding is more of a celebration for the families.
I have two other brothers who are not going for unrelated reasons.
Not that these facts necessarily change anything, I felt they’re worth bearing in mind.
That changes nothing. You need to decode whether you want your brother in your life and how much if the family ypu would want cutting off.
Yeah, you went to the wedding already. You did your part. Asking you to go to another country for something that’s already done just screams “give me attention” more than a wedding already does. That should be enough on its own.
I think that does change things.
I was previously inclined towards something like, “He’s your brother, and I would try and say to him that while you disagree with him as fully as it’s possible to, you will still be there because he’s your brother, and that still means something to you” or similar. Something that might get him to understand that this isn’t easy for you.
However, if you were already at his actual wedding, and this is just a party in another country, nah - tbh, I think it’d be fair to give it a miss even if he wasn’t being a Nazi apologist.
I think you should go and sarcastically call his wife a DEI hire/wife the whole time lol
DEI hire/foreign worker lmao
the current pantomime is clearly designed to divide us and it’s working quite well.
you wouldn’t be an arsehole, but divide and conquer is exactly what they want
Who are “they” in this situation? Maybe I’m completely blinded by leftist propaganda but the divide seems pretty inherent to the differences in my brother’s values to my own.
obviously this is all just my opinion, but it seems evident to me:
the oligarchs.
they’ve realised their best shot at power is by dividing us cos there’s no way this shit would fly otherwise. that’s why they’ve been flooding us with every single possible topic of division, black vs white, straight vs lgbqt, even lgb vs trans (!!!), young vs old, boomers vs millenials. city vs rural.
all of that said, if you just don’t think you can stomach the wedding event then you’re nta imo.
I get where you’re coming from but I’ve conceptually divorced my brother from these black and white dichotomies for my whole life, and to what cost on my own psyche? Ultimately we do have to pick sides and cultivate our own systems of values based on the world around us. He is not a neutral individual, nor am I.
To me there is only one true dichotomy and he has chosen the side of oligarchy and I have not.
“Ultimately we do have to pick sides” Do we? Skepticism and reserving judgement is truly extinct I guess. These false dilemmas perpetuate the oligarch’s rule.
God beckons you to escape the illusion of non-illusion. Who’s side does she “have to pick”?
Moving the goalposts… Nazis WANT to move those. They are allies of capitalists, because Nazis favour a very top-down economic structure, where large coorporations work with the government to maximise profit. In that regard. Nazis often think that if they bootlick coorporations and dictators enough, they can acquire all the wealth and power – which they don’t.
If someone needs to reconcile, it’s the Nazis by denazifying entirely. Not the normal people. THEN we can fight capitalism together as united forces.
No, it sounds like your brother is actually the asshole.
I cut my sister out of my life and didn’t go to her wedding for similar reasons. I don’t regret it one bit and it has helped my mental health tremendously. However, I didn’t do it to “teach her a lesson,” or “prove anything,” I did it so I could live with myself, and stay true to my values. We all only have limited time and energy on this planet, so think about the way you spend them and what’s most important to you. For me, my biological family is toxic. My chosen family is awesome.
I relate to this very strongly. And maybe it’s not an AITAH type question — I think of it as doing something for myself more than anything else. Sure I might lose relationships with family members but what will I gain emotionally and mentally? And will that outweigh the familial loss in the long run? … Lots to think about
Feel free to reach out to me directly if I can be a sounding board or anything. Best of luck…it’s certainly not easy, but for me, it was worth the introspection and effort.
Really? How hard is it to not talk politics.
With right wingers, it’s completely impossible.
