We met on a dating app and have had five dates so far. I like many of his qualities for example he’s been respectful and chivalrous: didn’t try anything physical on our first date, hasn’t been pushing for sex, only kissed on our previous dates, listened to my boundary of less tongue after inserting it immediately our first kiss, told me “you’re so beautiful”, paid for our recent dinner after we split the previous one, we’ve had great chemistry/banter, opens doors and pours water, asked me my favorite flower, already initiating dates for weeks from now. Conversation flows and I’m attracted to him, both physically and otherwise, but I’m conflicted about the physical intimacy recently escalating past our emotional/mental connection.
We went to his place for the first time on our fifth date and I suggested we cuddle which turned into more. He wanted to finger and go down on me at the same time right off the bat, whereas I’m more used to fingering on its own first to let things unfold gradually. He said it’s been a few years since his most recent relationship (LTR), so we agreed we’re both learning about each other. We continued kissing and all, but he repeatedly said he wants to be inside of me (not in a pressuring way, but I don’t know what to say to that) after I already explained I prefer easing into physical intimacy slowly and am more traditional.
After a while, I asked if he could say something dirty but was shocked when he said “you’re a little slut aren’t you” when trying to dirty talk. He didn’t apologize but admitted he’s not good at it. I don’t like the word ‘slut’, but I didn’t want to make things more awkward after we just had a discussion about my preferences for going slow with fingering first before more happens. He said he will do so when the moment comes up again, which I thought meant another day, but he soon initiated fingering and our chemistry is so strong I let him go down on me right after that. He also started asking me sex-related questions like how kinky I am, what’s a no-go in the bedroom, and said he used to have a sex swing.
He also promised to share all of the photos of us from his phone but only sent one at first until I followed up and has complained about or judged each of my date ideas in some way or another - the food, declined my venue idea (my favorite spot) since he’s been there a few times already, and an accessory I just excitedly bought. I noticed he didn’t ask about my parents whereas I was trying to get to know him on a deeper level during our date, but we did touch on it during our first date (surface level though).
Please help me out, everyone. I would really appreciate any help or advice! Are there any red flags or is he just a more sexual guy who’s genuinely attracted to me with good intentions? Does he seem to be in it for casual or short-term versus a long-term relationship? Am I overthinking any of this? Instead of asking to take a break, should I scale back and explain to him I’m busy (which I am) on our next date, or wait until he asks me to come over again before opening that topic? Should I bring up the ‘slut’ term in person on our next date or wait until we’re intimate like that again and first see if he says it again before speaking up?
Candidly, it sounds like your partner may be a bit more experienced and one of his past partners may have liked that kind of dirty talk. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it creates a power imbalance that should be explicitly discussed and obligates him to go slow and communicate with you (both talking and listening). Hopefully he is wise enough to check-in, bring you some warm brownies in bed, and ask how things were and what you liked or didn’t like. I’d rather have a bruised ego and know how my partner feels than consistently live in the delusion that I’m a sex god who can do no wrong. Good communication builds good relationships. Talk about it, suggest stuff you could do that you enjoy. Wishing you the best!
I’m not super keen on some of the comments here. No one is outright calling you prude, but it’s leaning that direction. You don’t owe anyone anything and you have a right to set boundaries. Just do your best to communicate so people who are looking for something else can catch your drift and swipe left.
You can just straight up say you don’t want to be called a slut. Dirty talk doesn’t need to be degrading. And even if you’re into being degraded, it’s okay to have specific words you don’t like being called.
first see if he says it again before speaking up?
Definitely don’t do that, because it happened and you disliked it. The sooner the better.
I’m only specifically commenting on that, as it’s really the only part I feel confident commenting on.
How about you just have an honest convo with him about what you’re into? And ask him point blank about his thoughts.
You two are not compatible.
There’s a lot of green flags in your post and a few red flags for him (especially being overly critical and not willing to go to your favorite place).
But there are a lot of red flags for you, and very few green flags. You’ve got some internalized patriarchy affecting how you view relationships: chivalry, you like when he pays, you don’t seem comfortable with sex or open communication preferring that he read your mind. These are all problems you’ll want to work on if you want a relationship with a decent guy. It feels to me like you’re looking for a partner who treats you like a tradwife but you don’t seem to want to take that role. I don’t think you should either. The way you’re approaching relationships means you’ll either end up disappointed with a decent guy because he’ll expect equality and open communication, or feel oppressed in a tradcoded relationship.
Work on yourself for a bit before trying to date again. Finding someone you’re compatible with right now will be challenging if you don’t put in some work.
Completely unrelated to advice or anything, something about “I’m something of a traditional girl, so I like to get fingered before I get fingered and eaten out at the same time” struck me as just very funny.
Like, not I’m not even laughing at you, it’s just the juxtaposition of “traditional” with “fingered and eaten out together” that struck me as amusing. Like “I want to get finger-blasted while kissing, like my mother, and her mother before her” 😛
I noticed he didn’t ask about my parents
Don’t think I ever asked a girl about her parents
After a while, I asked if he could say something dirty but was shocked when he said “you’re a little slut aren’t you” when trying to dirty talk. He didn’t apologize but admitted he’s not good at it.
I’m also not good at dirty talk so if you’re asking for it, it won’t come natural and you shouldn’t expect nothing weird to come out.
He wanted to finger and go down on me at the same time right off the bat, whereas I’m more used to fingering on its own first to let things unfold gradually.
Wtf why not do both when you’re down there anyway? I think you’re overthinking this.
As to your last paragraph: you’re treating us as your close friends who’ve known you in person for a long time and know about your previous relationships and possibly have met the person you’re talking about. None of that is the case and we really can’t help you by analysing your interpretations of subtle actions and words.
I mean this in the kindest way possible but after having run across pretty much every one of your posts I think:
You shouldn’t be dating. You seem to have some internal issues that need to be worked out before you get with another person.
You should get tested to see if you’re on the spectrum.
Examine your orientation or at least what you are really wanting, in a therapy setting.
I meet women like OP all the time in dating.
Their problem is they think they are perfect as they are, and it’s everyone else who is wrong. And ‘love’ is when a man has superpowers to read their thoughts and intentions and they have to make zero effort to ever be vulnerable by actually talking about their desire sand feelings. they also have this storybook fantasy nonsense in their heads, where they idealize you and then demonize you when they find out you poo, because prince charming can’t ever smell bad!
I’m curious how old this person is. From what I can tell, there’s a lot of emotional immaturity here. She doesn’t know what she wants and is putting the burden on him to figure it out. This will never work.
I’m just going to be blunt here… And, in the words of Lil Dicky, let the man freak.
Y’all have been on five dates. The guy has probably spent a considerable amount of money taking you out, planning dates, and doing whatever it is you wanted to do. And now, he wants to get his dick wet.
Meanwhile, you’re sitting there psychoanalyzing the guy, trying to figure out what he meant by the word “slut” after you both agreed to engage in dirty talk?
The guy wants you something awful. And understand, I’m not saying your consent doesn’t matter. It absolutely does. But you also have to be willing to empathize with the man and understand where he’s coming from.
A relationship is a two-way street. It’s about give and take. You can’t expect everything to revolve exclusively around what you want, what makes you comfortable, and how you feel. You have to consider what the other person is feeling, too.
Empathy is an important part of any relationship, and based on what you’ve described, it seems to be in rather short supply here.
Dates shouldn’t be a transaction for sex imo. Not unless that’s established from the very beginning. No one should feel pressured into having sex, no matter how many dates there have been. If you want to buy sex, seek a sex worker. Dates are for dating.
Ultimately it’s super important to communicate expectations so no one is being misled. Communication is key.
Yeah I think it’s more of an explanation than a justification. If you’re around someone you’re extremely attracted to who is also into you it’s very very difficult to slow down.
I’ve had a quick run through your post history and the common problem you are facing everywhere is communication. You are trying to figure out your partner’s intentions by analyzing their subtle actions and gestures, while expecting them to somehow read your thoughts and figure out what you expect from them. Well, it doesn’t work like that. If you can’t read what they are thinking about, neither do they.
The solution: talk to them. Be more specific. Drop all the subtle hinting and just tell exactly what you want, and ask exactly what they want (you do want to know what they want, right?).
Simple dialogue switches relationships to super easy mode, try it.
She found it weird when he tried talking to her about what she likes sexually and what her kinks are.
which is a mark of immaturity and/or lack of confidence.
As a man who is awful at picking up on hints, this is definitely the way
No! It needs to be telepathy! That will prove they’re soulmates who, by the works of the great destiny, found each other in a chaotic universe of billions of wondering souls! /s
i have had so many relationships end because that was the expecation, yup.
and asking her to talk? that makes me a selfish asshole. how dare I ask her to use her words! a real man would never do that!
and the keyword here is always ‘chivalrous’. OP is living in storybook land in their head.
Fun fact: the chivalric codes exist because knights were a bunch of murdering, pillaging rapists.
Think about it: why would a bunch of gentlemen need such strict rules?
talk dirty to me!
Oh my god, he talked dirty to me!
Well… Yeah? Also, there is nothing wrong with a guy being very sexual. If thats not your thing, find someone who is more compatible with you
Also, don’t overcomplicate love, or life for that matter
If he is pressuring you to do more than you are comfortable with, he’s no good.
That being said, it also sounds like you have a very specific plan on how everything needs to happen, and I suspect you haven’t actually told anyone what that plan is. One theme I keep seeing in the story is that you’ve corrected him at every step of this relationship and it sounds like you’re frustrated that he isn’t sticking to the script that you’ve written in your head.
Assuming he isn’t just trying to get in your pants, cut him some slack, and see how your story plays out instead of comparing it to your expectations.
Bullshit, one party or any relationship has to make the first move. It basically never occurs simultaneously. And that’s pressure. It’s not a crime, in and of itself.
If he’s wanting something, AND you’ve expressed disinterest, and he continues in an agessive manner, by which he fails to respect your EXPRESSED boundry, then he’s probably too aggressive to have a healthy relationship with AT THIS TIME.
People are actually capable of changing with time. And they do tend to mellow out as they age.
That’s not to say that any one person should set a date 10 years in the future to reattempt a relationship with somebody they met who was too aggressive. But sometimes people exist in the same social spheres, and it’s important not to brand people as one specific thing for eternity. For example, one of the OPs friends might meet up with this guy 5 years from now and manage to easily develop a healthy a satisfying relationship with him.
I’m all about second chances, but your comment kind of gives me the creeps. It’s suspiciously defensive.
Speaking of the script, it would be a good idea to talk about it. If you know what the plan is, it won’t come as a surprise later. If you tell the other person about what your goal is, they could agree to go with it or nope out immediately. It saves so much time and tears.
You asked for dirty talk and are now upset over slut? This dude is thirsty as fuck doing his best to respectful and you’ve put him on a wild ride of confusion here
🤦
Slut is a perfectly reasonable word to use in dirty talk … seems like you don’t want dirty talk.
if you want dirty talk, and specific words upset you and you don’t want them involved in the dirty talk, you need to be VERY clear about that. most people that aren’t into dirty talk have no idea at all what it even is and some think it’s just saying swears. you have to tell them what exactly you want and you have to tell them what words and attitudes you hate.
Lol! Awkward! To be fair, you did ask him to say something dirty. It’s just unfortunate that he opened with something you aren’t into.
Communication is the key to great sex. Don’t be afraid to let him know you aren’t into that word…but try not to be too hard on him for not knowing that, ahead of time.
