I’m really sorry everyone…this is all my own damn fault, I’m not denying that in the slightest.

spoiler

I was planning to die today. But I guess I’m not even capable of doing that.
This is all because I’m such an overdramatic, pathetic loser, an excuse for a human being. After an appointment with a new psychiatrist where her first question was “What is your deadname?” and after she told me I “started HRT late”, I just fell into a deeper spiral. Now there’s uncertainty if I’ll even be able to go to Thailand for SRS, which made me full on suicidal upon finding out, so I just kinda…broke.
And there’s the constant regret of not starting sooner, constant self-deprecating and loathing from feeling like I’ll never be a woman. Hating my face and body every single waking second.
I’m just…depressed and not doing well right now. And I’m making it everybody’s problem.

I’m sorry, but I guess I’m sticking around. I’m not dead just yet. I’m making a new account and starting over. But…at least, maybe you’ll believe me now that I’m not actually a good person?
I’m really sorry. I’m actually the worst. I know that.

Maybe I should have died. Maybe. But…instead I guess I’ll bother you all some more, again, from zero.
I’m sorry for being such an unimaginable fuckup…

Sincerely,
a very depressed trans girl,
Miisha

  • Eq0@literature.cafeEnglish
    0·
    22 days ago

    You are valid and seen and we support you. It is never too late for transitioning and self discovery and blooming into what you want and are meant to be. We want you here with us, we welcome you here, and you can take all the space you need.

    By the way: you are a woman because you are a woman. There is no other justification wanted or needed.

    Edit: Forgot to give you a hug 🫂 you clearly need it

      • Eq0@literature.cafeEnglish
        0·
        22 days ago

        None of what you wrote makes you not a good person. You are struggling and you need help, but that has nothing to do with a moral judgement. I hope we can provide you with a little support with our words.

        Another hug 🫂

        • Miisha@lemmy.blahaj.zonedeleted by creatorEnglish
          0·
          21 days ago

          Thank you. I really am struggling…but I think it’ll get better. Thank you so much 🩷

          • Eq0@literature.cafeEnglish
            0·
            21 days ago

            It will! There will be rough days, but hopefully the worst is behind. There will still be battles but you will win the war. You are amazing and you rock 🎸 even when you don’t feel like it, even when you are low, you still shine

  • McUberStein@lemmy.zipOPEnglish
    0·
    22 days ago

    Y’all should be angry at me. You should hate me, at least as much as I hate myself. I’m taking up space in this community that other people need and deserve…god I’m pathetic

    • McUberStein@lemmy.zipOPEnglish
      0·
      22 days ago

      I don’t deserve words as kind as those. And definitely not beautiful, you’ll see once I start posting pics on my new account 😂
      Thank you ❤️

      • Burn_The_Right@lemmy.todayEnglish
        0·
        21 days ago

        You don’t know what any individual sees as beautiful. My tastes are mine, thank you very much, and I am unique goddammit!

        Seriously, most people are hyper critical of how they look. Most folks hate the way they look in photos and how they sound in recordings. This isn’t a trans thing. This is a human thing. The trans part of this just amplifies that feeling sometimes. So, recognize that and accept that some people will love you and find you beautiful exactly as you are, no matter where you are on this trip.

  • TheOtterInside@piefed.blahaj.zoneEnglish
    0·
    22 days ago

    love, please allow us to be present for you. i don’t want you gone anywhere, even if it’s not up to me to decide (your choice).

    you will always be :

    • a woman
    • a woman
    • a goddam beautiful woman
    • valid
    • loved
    • heard
    • expected here

    you are a wonderful person and i am utterly shocked and angry beyond sanity for what the psychatrist dared to told you !

    i am tempted to ask for name and shame the fucker here, but itd be better to tell to a local group nearby your location so that she cannot harm anyone ever again.

    • McUberStein@lemmy.zipOPEnglish
      0·
      22 days ago

      Loutreeee 😭
      You’re such a sweetie and I really mean that ❤️. I got every one of your messages during the current and previous spirals. I really appreciate your concern. Thank you so much for being here for me <3
      Love ya, girl 🩷

  • MapleFawn@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
    0·
    22 days ago

    I can only sent you my hugs, we are here for you, unconditiobally. If you need to vent, talk or just Chat about all the important nothingness I am here for that.

    You do not take up anyoneS space, this space is specifically for you to use as it is for everyone else who needs it. There is plenty Space for us all. I am happy you are still around!

    • McUberStein@lemmy.zipOPEnglish
      0·
      22 days ago

      Thank you so much ♥️. You’re so fucking kind, I don’t even deserve that, at all…
      Thank you. Really. To you, to everyone here. Thank you 🩷

  • siph@feddit.orgEnglish
    0·
    22 days ago

    So I’m completely out of the loop here, but why would you not be a good person? You were dealt a shitty hand, but that does not make you a bad person.

    • Miisha@lemmy.blahaj.zonedeleted by creatorEnglish
      0·
      22 days ago

      I’m not sure about being dealt a bad hand…I’m extremely privileged for a trans person, yet I still complain so much…
      Thanks anyway ♥️

      New account, also. Same Miisha tho

        • Miisha@lemmy.blahaj.zonedeleted by creatorEnglish
          0·
          21 days ago

          I guess that’s true…
          But I still realize just how good I have it. And it just feels kinda…selfish, I guess? Idk

          • siph@feddit.orgEnglish
            0·
            21 days ago

            Dealing with gender disphoria (I assume) and what your therapist told you is kind of a shitty hand. Telling someone in need of therapy that they were late to get help is a serious no go in my book.

            Mental health issues are really tough to deal with. Depression specifically is just such a perfect storm of bullshit, even trying to get help is a colossal achievement. A lot of people struggle with that first step!

            I don’t know you and, I don’t mean this in a mean way, I don’t care about you. Barely anyone does and that is a good thing. You don’t have to think about what stranger think of you, because the overwhelming majority just doesn’t think of you at all. Live your life, try to find happiness in your own way. I hope you find what you are looking for in life and live it to the fullest! ♥️

  • Bryllyg@quokk.auEnglish
    0·
    22 days ago

    Girl listen to this 54 year old telling you that no one ever starts transitioning too late. If it makes you happy, don’t look back.

    It took me decades to get over my self hatred. But it doesn’t need to take you that long and honey you are doing amazing and you are stronger than you realize. It takes huge guts to come back and be here. Do not be ashamed. You are a badass.

    That psychiatrist sounds like a fucking idiot. Fucking yikes. You are not a bad person but you need a better therapist. Keep working on it, mental health can take a long time to smooth out but you can do it. If I can do it, you can do it. 💜

    • birdwing@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
      0·
      22 days ago

      winters pile
      wise the wrinkle
      speaking truth.

      explanation

      Tried to write it as a haiku, following the rule that in Japanese, you write haikus using morae, not syllables. I think they’d be analysed as:

      wi•n•te pa•il
      wa•is the wri•n•ke•l
      spi•ki•n tru•th

      but if I wrote it wrong, here’s a syllable-based version:

      Up pile the winters
      wise in wrinkles of life hues
      truth cracks in fire.

      I hope it came across right, I wanted to say that you put it down very well :D and spoke a great truth. A truth nuke if you will.

    • Miisha@lemmy.blahaj.zonedeleted by creatorEnglish
      0·
      22 days ago

      Thank you. I honestly hope it doesn’t take me as long. Life would be a lot more fun without these worries

      Badass? Me? OwO

      The psychiatrist is the worst. I’m not really sure I wanna go back there, despite her being my main and only SSRI source…

      Thank you so much 🩷

  • mel ♀@jlai.luEnglish
    0·
    22 days ago

    I did not realised you erased your real account. I don’t think anybody on blahaj hates you, and you are not a bother. You are giving activity to the community and without you and my precious little bitch, I would still try to repress everything. You are giving me hope with HRT even if I am older than you (your butt, omg) and that psychiatrist can eat all our shit combined. You are a sister and now I just want to offer you a big hug and sushi care with a hot beverage (chocolate, tea or whatever you want)

    • Miisha@lemmy.blahaj.zonedeleted by creatorEnglish
      0·
      22 days ago

      Mel, that’s so fucking kind of you 😭
      Tysm sis ♥️. I actually love sushi!

      The psychiatrist can go screw herself, really. She’s just…bad

      Your…precious little bitch…do you mean Loutre? 👀
      And what about my butt this time? 😭

      • mel ♀@jlai.luEnglish
        0·
        22 days ago

        Yes the cute little otter, mine

        Didn’t you post a pic of your butt at some point ?

        • Miisha@lemmy.blahaj.zonedeleted by creatorEnglish
          0·
          22 days ago

          I see. I’ll leave you two to it then. Have fun girls 🩷

          Didn’t you post a pic of your butt at some point ?

          Oh I’ve posted many 😂
          More are on the way 😆

  • HumanOnEarth@lemmy.caEnglish
    0·
    22 days ago

    The world’s leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop. He asks the assistant, “Do you have European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.” The assistant checks the computer and then says, “Certainly. Would you like to listen before you buy it?” The expert replies, “Of course!” The assistant hands him a pair of earphones and puts the record on a turntable near the counter, and turns it on. The expert listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I’m terribly sorry, but I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don’t recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?” The assistant checks the turntable. “Yes, sir,” he says. “This is the European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. Let me skip ahead to the second track.” Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, “This just can’t be right! I’ve been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don’t recognize any of these sounds.” The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle to the next track. As soon as the track starts playing, the expert throws off the headphones. “This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!” The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over. “What seems to be the problem, sir?” The expert turns to him, red-faced and fuming. “This is an outrage! I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!” The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly. “I’m terribly sorry, sir. It appears we’ve been playing you the bee side.”

  • nikki@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
    0·
    22 days ago

    the world is a better place with you in it, keep your chin up. youre loved, beautiful and deserve to be with us together!

    • Miisha@lemmy.blahaj.zonedeleted by creatorEnglish
      0·
      21 days ago

      Thank you Nikki 💜
      I’m so grateful for this community and all the people here. It’s actually the best

  • Minty@aussie.zoneEnglish
    0·
    22 days ago

    hug for a million years. ❤️

    Im so so happy your alive. Also that psych is just straight up wrong and a fucking dick. How dare they say that to you.