Why or why not?
You can find people attractive without wanting to date them.
Wasn’t the question…
And yet that is the answer I most relate with.
true, it’s hard to fit all the context I wanted to add within a title …
my question is really meant to ask how people would react to learning someone they are attracted to and would otherwise date is trans
If I just asked “would you date a trans person” I would expect the reader to think of an ugly trans person because that’s the stereotype, and then the answer is usually no, but that doesn’t get at what I’m wondering about.
Go with, if you were romantically attracted to a person. That helps differentiate between lust and love.
Yes. Because i find them attractive.
this is the right answer, here is your prize: 🎂
There’s no “right” answer to this question.
I know, I was joking 😝
Yeah we already established in the premise I find them attractive. Of course I would.
Yes. Penis or vagina matters little to me.
“You gotta love the person, not what they’re packin’.”
interesting but not surprising to see the focus on gentials - after all the biggest problem (and for some, the biggest perk) has to do with the genital mismatch
It’s hard because not all trans people fit a single “type” - some of us get support as children and avoid going through the wrong puberty and live pretty much as cis people (though that doesn’t guarantee access to SRS).
I can’t remember exactly so take this with a grain of salt, but over half of trans people want SRS but only around 12% actually have had SRS. So statistically it’s probably true a given trans person is pre-op.
Anyway, for me dating a trans person comes with a lot more than just gential configuration, it involves their daily experiences of dysphoria, discrimination, the sensitivities about how they want to be touched or not touched, how their voice sounds, their mix of socialized gendered traits, etc.
Absolutely, there’s a lot more to it than just the genitals, but to be fair, everyone has a large number of differences from the mean- I’ve met bio women with very deep voices, with unflattering figures, who’ve experienced misogyny, etc.
Apart from the genitals, everything a trans person had that might differentiate them from a cis person can still be present in a cis person.
I’d be a bit of a hypocrite if I had a problem with that
ha, fair enough - though it’s precisely because I’m trans that I would be hesitant to date a trans person, but honestly it would depend on the person and where they are in transition, among other things. I guess in my mind if I loved them, that would transcend that they are trans (just like if they were in an accident and became paraplegic, my love and loyalty to my partner would mean I would still love them and stay with them even with that disability).
Fair enough. I might be a little hesitant to date someone really early in their transition, just because I would need to seriously consider whether I was able to take on the somewhat implied responsibility that comes with that to guide them through such a scary and vulnerable period.
Beyond that I’m functionally t4t, it’s just really nice to date someone who gets you, and all the baggage that entails, and with whom you already have such a strong shared connection.
I would not. I’m all for treating people as they want to be treated, but as far as my own attraction goes, I don’t think I’d be able to completely think of them as being of the opposite sex.
this assumes you are able to tell, do you think you can always tell?
or is the point that once you know they are trans, the knowledge prevents you from seeing them as their gender?
I know a couple of people who transitioned and if I didn’t know I couldn’t tell.
I think I would be open to date if I found out organically that they are trans.
If instead it is the topic of conversation every other day, I’d pass.If I couldn’t tell, and they didn’t tell me, then i guess I’d just be happy in my ignorance. I can’t say that I can always tell, because… well I wouldn’t necessarily know about the times I couldn’t tell. But yes, if I knew then it would break the attraction for me.
that makes sense!
What do you think it is about learning someone is trans that breaks the attraction for you?
Good question. I think what it comes down to is that the idea of someone being trans is just kind of foreign to me. I never met someone in person who was trans until I was close to 40, as far as I know. So for most of my life I categorized people, at least as far as attractiveness and dating goes, without distinguishing between sex at birth and gender identity.
So while I treat (or hope that I treat) trans people as appropriate for their chosen gender, it doesn’t come completely naturally to me. It’s hard for me not to think of a trans woman as “a man who wants to be treated as a woman”, even though I know that’s not what they want. And while in day to day interactions I can just ignore that difficulty and treat a trans woman as a woman, when it comes to romantic interest it is not so easily ignored.Same. Similar, anyway. I’ve only knowingly met one trans woman who completely passed, who - if they were a Cis woman - not only would I have been with, but would’ve been completely out of my league.
But knowing they were Trans… yeah, I have hangups, in the same way I’d have hangups about the idea of being intimate with another man. I’m not completely against the idea, but I’ve got ingrained social prejudices it would take a fair bit of work to overcome.
Same for me. I am all for trans rights and I would 100% support their choice, but I don’t think dating would work for me.
No, because I’m taken but it wouldn’t change the fact that I find them attractive. I’d date someone no matter their gender or genitals though, if thats what your asking
that’s not exactly what I’m asking - but it’s informative that gentials come up (makes sense in the context of dating)
I tend to think of being trans as more than just gential situation in terms of dating - if the person is not passing for example, you might get stared at as a couple in public, the stigma that is directed at them might also impact you. Their life experiences- the harassment, the unemployment, etc. might impact you. For me, these even might be more important factors than their genitals.
(I tend to be able to see a female penis as female, it’s usually soft and flaccid, like an oversized clit - it’s not as “male” as people tend to think, which can be a disappointment for a certain subset of people who want the female penis to perform and fill the role a male penis usually does.)
Uh so if I showed you a picture of a penis you claim to be able to know if it’s owners gender? Doesn’t that kind of go against your beliefs?
But yes it’s genitals for me
No. Starting any relationship with a lie or withholding the truth is not kosher to me. Now, knowing form the start, an attractive lady is an attractive lady. Let’s have that discussion. But I am also biologicaly a male and I quite enjoy the female form and all associated enjoyment with such. I do not find androgynous or males attractive at all, just not wired that way.
I guess in my mind the thought experiment was that you see the person is attractive to you (in this case they are feminine and beautiful enough that you would find them attractive), but you haven’t started dating yet, it comes out before dating and then you have to decide whether to date them or not.
It’s interesting to explore various permutations:
- what if she were pre-op, would her female penis be a deal-breaker?
- what if she were post-op, would there be any hangups at that point?
- what if she were post-op, transitioned as a child, and her trans status was an irrelevant medical fact from her distant past, would you still feel it was a lie and be upset to learn after you had been dating?
It’s interesting to me you bring up androgyny and males when thinking about trans women - I guess that makes sense, probably most people think of a man who lives as a woman socially… I guess it’s hard when the passing trans women are invisible, living as cis people without disclosing their trans identity. That leaves the non-passing folks as the most visible ones.
Anyway, let me assure you, there are plenty of trans women who look and are feminine, and indistinguishable from cis women. But I totally get why this is hard to believe without first hand exposure.
If I found out someone was cis whom I’d otherwise consider dating, it would probably be difficult to maintain interest.
ah, interesting - what makes cis people less interesting to you?
No.
It really doesn’t have much to do with their biology tbh, it’s because nobody I’ve ever met who is trans ever shuts the fuck up about being trans.
Be a man or a woman, gay, fucking whatever. I really don’t care. Like at all. But I find vanity and self absorption huge turnoffs.
If you want to make your entire identity a single thing I again have no issue with it but I also wont want to be around you.
I dont have a problem with you. I just dont want to stand around beating a dead horse over and over and over again.
Also a penis is a straight up non starter. Everything to do with dudes gives me the ick.
If they found me attractive as well then hell yeah I’m in!
Love is love.
inaccurate username
I’m a dumbass, not a fucking idiot lol.
Great reply, dumbass
Side note: The atmosphere on Lemmy is very pro-queer. Mastodon seems to be pretty queer too, but the number of users is a lot bigger, so you might see more diversity in answers. If you asked the same question on Reddit or X, you would absolutely find lots of unsavory comments.
thanks for the note 😊
“unsavory” lol
Yeah, that’s just a shorter way to say: “open hostility, verbal assault, hate speech, various kinds of unethical or even criminal activity, and general online nastiness”.
Which, according to Reddit would be fine. But don’t you dare say anything about grand pappy elon
Yeah. Half the people I’ve dated are trans.
Having been in this position, sure, but I’ve also had to end relationships because the person transitioned in a direction I wasn’t attracted to. Communicating honestly and openly is the key, as it is for pretty much everything about interpersonal relationships.
That reminds me of a friend back in WoW who said she once broke off a relationship after coming home from a holiday and finding out her boyfriend had become her girlfriend.
Being already married and stuff aside, as a straight cisgender male I would honestly have a hard time with it. Like, my parents’ neighbor is a trans woman and I’d be lying if I denied noticing her (covered) boobs when she was hanging out in the back yard. But if I’m going to have a romantic relationship with someone, there are physical traits that attract me and others that don’t… And I would need to be attracted to my partner, both with what’s typically visible in public and what isn’t.
It’s nothing personal, and I truly hope their new body (whatever that may be) works for them and they find the love they want. It’s just not what I’m after.
To use the cliche as a tl;dr, it’s not you, it’s me.
Would you feel differently about a post-op trans woman? I assume the hang-up is the penis on a woman?
Do you think a penis would be a deal-breaker even if it were feminine: soft, flaccid, more like an oversized clit than a penis? Would it change anything to know lots of trans women’s penises don’t ejaculate, but instead produce wetness like a cis woman would when aroused?
I don’t doubt the gential preference, I just sometimes think straight men think of the female penis as being like a man’s penis, and that’s not usually the case.
To be honest, I’m not entirely sure. In theory, sure: the initial question assumed initial (presumably clothed) attraction. You’ve got the body parts I enjoy between the sheets. Let’s give it a try!
But also, I’m a dumb human with dumb human hangups that shouldn’t matter, but do. Maybe this person is everything I wanted and I could never turn that down; maybe there’s a mental block I just can’t get around despite my best efforts
As long as they have the matching equipment then I’m totally fine with it.
I’ve always wanted to try out dating an mtf girl
Ew. We’re not something for you to “try out”.
The entire concept of dating is trying someone out
