I’m a 27 year old single mom with a 12 year old son (Yes I was 15 when I had him) and I got out of a physically/sexually abusive relationship with my son’s biological father a few years ago. I haven’t had any serious relationships since then, but recently I’ve been feeling kind of lonely and exhausted since I work two jobs and take care of my son. I was planning on getting back into dating, so I was wondering if I could get a man’s perspective on how to navigate dating as a single mom since most men aren’t willing to take on my “baggage” (Hate this term). I’ve been hit on quite a few times by men my age in public places when i’m alone on the street or at the gym, but when I tell them I have a kid they seem to be immediately disinterested. (Not necessarily blaming them)
I’m looking for a long term partner who is obviously very willing to take on the task of being a father. Outside of great personal qualities, I’d like someone who can help me financially just enough so I can quit one of my jobs and provide a great life for my son. Sexual compatibility would be a bonus as well lol. I definitely want to make sure they are the one before I bring them home to my son, and I also want to make sure my son is comfortable around them as well. Dunno if I’m asking for too much? I would love some advice from a man’s perspective because it feels like there’s so much to consider. How early do I tell someone about my kid? If they are fine with a kid, are they willing to support me somewhat financially? What if my son doesn’t like them? It feels like I’m asking for so much out of a man that’s already impossible to find.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated :)
I wish you the best with dating and you sound quite mature from this and other posts.
As others have mentioned, you might find it tricky to find someone your own age that is ready to voluntarily take on parental responsibilities. However, I’d also warn to be cautious of older men, as some have suggested, as you may find that leads to a power imbalance, especially if financial support is one of the things you’re looking for.
You’ve mentioned what you’re looking for. I think it’s worth reflecting on what you’re offering for the relationship too. I’m sure you’re a lovely person with lots to offer on a.personal and emotional level, but a lot of the post talks about what you’re looking to, as benefits for you, rather than what you could both gain.
I say this more in the way of again, being concerned that if you seek to gain these things from the relationship, or you see the relationship as something for you to personally gain from, then you’ll find someone who also is looking for things in the relationship, beyond the relationship itself. If you’ve already been in an abusive relationship, I’d worry that it reoccurs.
Instead of looking at what they can offer financially and looking at long term goals, of be looking at compatibility, friendship and respect as being the goals. If the relationship is to succeed and lead to financial interdependence and child rearing, it needs to start on solid ground.
I don’t think, like others that it needs to be something you raise before a date, but it’s certainly something you would need to raise before getting intimate emotionally, sexually or otherwise. That’s likely to lead to more wasted dates, but if youre leading with lots of reasons not to date, from the other partners perspective, it will be less likely to make that first step. That is not to say you should be disingenuous. If it comes up naturally, or you’re asked, you should be honest.
Honestly, just be upfront about it. It’s going to be a deal breaker for a lot of guys but there are a lot more guys out there so the sooner you can weed out the ones who see it as a deal breaker the sooner you can start meeting the guys who don’t. You don’t need to be direct about it necissarily but if you just bring up your kid while chatting then that’ll be enough. Try not to be too discouraged, think of it less like losing a catch and more like avoiding catching a boot. You’re looking for the one not just someone.
As far as finding guys, single fathers are a thing and you will likely have a lot more in common with them than any old rando in the bar or gym. Also try seeking out men who you’re interested in yourself rather than just waiting for one to seek you out. By just waiting, you’re only meeting the few guys who are brazen enough to bother a random woman on the street or in the gym. Honestly as a guy, I would go on a couple dates with a fence post if it approached me first. Find a guy you’re interested in and go for it.
The one thing I wouldn’t bring up right away is the financial support. That is just kind of expected from any long term partner but if you bring it up directly early it just makes a guy feel like a walking wallet. If you wind up with a long term commited relationship then that part will just come on it’s own eventually.
As far as him being compatible with your son, don’t be shocked if your son just doesn’t accept any guy as a father. My mom started dating a new guy when I was about your sons age and while I got along with the guy fine, he was never really a father figure to me. Part of that was because my bio parents had joint custody but most of it was due to my new step dad just not having been in the picture for most of my life. By that age your son is starting to become more independent. He has already made it to being nearly a teenager without this new guy he may not ever see him as a dad and that is fine. Trying to force that is just going to make your son hate the guy. Honestly your goal should just be to find someone who makes you happy and who your son doesn’t dislike. If your kid thinks his new stepdad is ok then that’s probably about all you can ask for at that age.
I see a lot of good advice here. Something to add to this: when being upfront about having a kid, also be upfront about his age. This can work in your favour, because there are men that don’t like very young children, but are fine with teenagers.
A few points.
First, I would bring it up immediately, because it’s going to be a deal-breaker for a lot of guys. If they’re not fine with it from the beginning, they’re not exactly likely to be more open to it if you’ve hid the fact for multiple dates. Better to find out from the beginning that it’s not going to work out.
Second, are you open to older men and single fathers? Childless men in their 20s-30s are going to be much less interested in raising someone else’s kid. Your best prospects are going to be older men, or men who already have their own kids.
Third, have you talked about dating to your son? I’m not saying you need his permission to date or anything, but if he’s fundamentally opposed to the idea, he’s not going to like anyone you bring home. You’ll need to be prepared for that being an uphill battle.
Fourth, most men are going to be pretty hesitant to slide right into a financially supportive role. Men generally don’t like to be perceived as an ATM by their romantic partners. I would expect at least a year of dating before even thinking about any kind of financial support outside dates, and I wouldn’t even consider it unless you’re living together and talking about marriage. Not much different from any other relationship, really.
In general I recommend tempering your expectations, acknowledging that your dating pool is going to be heavily restricted, that not every guy you like is going to be a good match for your situation, and whatever relationship is going to require patience and compromise.
I’m confused by all the men not being ok with a kid. But then, I’m in my 40s and trying to navigate the dumpster fire that is app dating, and literally 95% of women in my age group have kids, and it has never been a problem for me. So, I’m just spitballing, but maybe slightly older men would be more accepting?
What’s confusing about not wanting kids? If you’re looking for a long term relationship and you don’t want kids then that kind of precludes dating people who already have kids.
My opinion is that you should tell someone immediately that you have a child. People might disagree with this, but when dating I always said up front both that I have kids and I’m not interested in ever having more of my own. It might be different since I’m a guy and I was entering the dating scene with already having kids and the mindset that I don’t want to have more kids of my own since, in my experience, that seems to be a deal breaker for women. I spoke to a lot of women with multiple kids of their own that wanted more of their own in addition to their own plus mine and I’m not someone that ever wanted or could handle a real big family… So I have always been 100% up front about my ultimate intention because you’re just going to make things complicated if one of you really likes the other but your life goals don’t align. It will narrow your dating pool down drastically and it will likely be a longer process to find suitable guys, but you’ll be starting off on a better level. If your intention is to find something long term, its better to go in with the knowledge of what everyone’s dating goals are.
Older guy here, no kids, rarely dated at all but married now.
Always be up front about your kid. Not first thing, but I’d say during the first date or two.
A twelve year old is a bit easier for most men to accept, I think, as there’s less years of raising them and more of a developed person to get to know.
Any man you’re in a committed relationship with should be willing to help you out - that’s what committed means. So one that refuses is probably not the guy for you.
Lastly, you may not meet the one for a while, but letting them in to see how well they mesh with your son might help you figure that out.
Its not too much to ask for at all. It’ll be a balancing act, redefining your life (and to a large extent, your son’s) and letting someone in again.
I’m confident that you’ll find someone, and I hope you aren’t hurt in the process of finding him.
