I’m a 27 year old single mom with a 12 year old son (Yes I was 15 when I had him) and I got out of a physically/sexually abusive relationship with my son’s biological father a few years ago. I haven’t had any serious relationships since then, but recently I’ve been feeling kind of lonely and exhausted since I work two jobs and take care of my son. I was planning on getting back into dating, so I was wondering if I could get a man’s perspective on how to navigate dating as a single mom since most men aren’t willing to take on my “baggage” (Hate this term). I’ve been hit on quite a few times by men my age in public places when i’m alone on the street or at the gym, but when I tell them I have a kid they seem to be immediately disinterested. (Not necessarily blaming them)
I’m looking for a long term partner who is obviously very willing to take on the task of being a father. Outside of great personal qualities, I’d like someone who can help me financially just enough so I can quit one of my jobs and provide a great life for my son. Sexual compatibility would be a bonus as well lol. I definitely want to make sure they are the one before I bring them home to my son, and I also want to make sure my son is comfortable around them as well. Dunno if I’m asking for too much? I would love some advice from a man’s perspective because it feels like there’s so much to consider. How early do I tell someone about my kid? If they are fine with a kid, are they willing to support me somewhat financially? What if my son doesn’t like them? It feels like I’m asking for so much out of a man that’s already impossible to find.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated :)
Honestly, just be upfront about it. It’s going to be a deal breaker for a lot of guys but there are a lot more guys out there so the sooner you can weed out the ones who see it as a deal breaker the sooner you can start meeting the guys who don’t. You don’t need to be direct about it necissarily but if you just bring up your kid while chatting then that’ll be enough. Try not to be too discouraged, think of it less like losing a catch and more like avoiding catching a boot. You’re looking for the one not just someone.
As far as finding guys, single fathers are a thing and you will likely have a lot more in common with them than any old rando in the bar or gym. Also try seeking out men who you’re interested in yourself rather than just waiting for one to seek you out. By just waiting, you’re only meeting the few guys who are brazen enough to bother a random woman on the street or in the gym. Honestly as a guy, I would go on a couple dates with a fence post if it approached me first. Find a guy you’re interested in and go for it.
The one thing I wouldn’t bring up right away is the financial support. That is just kind of expected from any long term partner but if you bring it up directly early it just makes a guy feel like a walking wallet. If you wind up with a long term commited relationship then that part will just come on it’s own eventually.
As far as him being compatible with your son, don’t be shocked if your son just doesn’t accept any guy as a father. My mom started dating a new guy when I was about your sons age and while I got along with the guy fine, he was never really a father figure to me. Part of that was because my bio parents had joint custody but most of it was due to my new step dad just not having been in the picture for most of my life. By that age your son is starting to become more independent. He has already made it to being nearly a teenager without this new guy he may not ever see him as a dad and that is fine. Trying to force that is just going to make your son hate the guy. Honestly your goal should just be to find someone who makes you happy and who your son doesn’t dislike. If your kid thinks his new stepdad is ok then that’s probably about all you can ask for at that age.