My last relationship was abusive and he said so many awful things about me. I can’t help but think they’re true.
I really feel worthless now. I have never had super great luck with relationships, but this is the most abusive one I have been in. Yet he made me feel like I deserve being treated like total garbage, because according to him I am garbage.
I never cheated on him or even spoke to other men. Idk what to do anymore. I’m trying to focus on my life but I feel like I’m in a toxic environment overall and I can’t leave it anytime soon. It’s extremely difficult to stay positive. I feel like everyone in the country I moved to either hates me or couldn’t care less if I died.
I don’t remember the last time I’ve had a positive interaction here, or anyone has tried to help me in any way or be nice. Where I used to live, people would hold the door for me, because they wanted to spread joy (obviously I would do nice things for people too and still try to). Or for example they would let you go before them if you only have one item or even just to be nice.
Here any time I’ve even attempted to speak to someone they always seem super disinterested, every time. Like I’m pulling teeth. I’m not even annoying about it or trying to push anything, it might be something going on in the store that is relevant to the person beside me for example.
Not to mention the cashiers, which at this point are the only people I interact with, are 9/10 times aggressive towards me. They glare at me, act super rude, literally throw my items. I know life isn’t fair but wtf have I done to deserve any of this.
Also I’m genuinely starting to think I might really be unloveable. Whenever I mention the concern of never finding love to anyone, they tell me I don’t need that to be happy, and I know that’s true but it doesn’t make me feel any better. It sucks feeling like you don’t matter at all on earth, and not only that but you’re just a punching bag for people’s misery.
Changing environments can do wonders, so maybe plan to find somewhere more positive in the long term, whatever fits your situation.
For the short term, find smaller communities interested in the same things that you are, try and make friends online, find your own little friendly circle, a positive place to escape to can be a big change.
And you do have worth, you are lovable, and you deserve some goddamn peace of mind, it won’t come without a bit of effort, but it will be very worth it.
You have good luck out there, friend, it’s a harsh world, we all deserve better.
ps. English is my 2nd language, so my tone might be cold, no offense meant.
That’s the thing, I don’t know of a positive place in Europe (or Canada tbh), that is both inclusive and you can actually find a job in (unless in tech of course). In Canada even tech is difficult to land a job in nowadays
I know what you mean, i recently started studying in uni as i couldn’t find a job since i was fired, I’m lucky i had a chance to save money though, and a good scholarship, incredibly lucky.
I can’t tell you what to do in order to find a job, but i got my first actual good job through a friend recommending me to the boss, maybe you can do something similar, i wouldn’t be able to know, though.
Keep your head up high, I’m sure someone here will have good advice, you’re worth your the effort.
You absolutely have worth. You’re not less worth than any other human on Earth. We’re just some meatbags on a rock hurling through space. Would you really think, from an outside perspective, any meatbag would look much different?
Now, our society is full. We have kept reproducing, growing population constantly. This has been causing constant issues throughout history, issues that we keep solving, which allows us to keep reproducing even more. Along with constant competition, which also causes changes, trying to outcompete each other for resources: material, sexual, etc.
One of the effects of all this is what you’re feeling right now. There’s no social support net. No tight-knit, small communities. Everything is being automated, everything is getting less personal. Our natural instincts don’t work too well anymore. “Historically”, you’d turn to family, immediate or even extended. But families have also been changing, people move all over the place, away from family.
So with what does that leave you? One (large) thing goes wrong, and everything goes to shit. The path to recovery is either effectively impossible or long and hard. And since the natural instincts don’t work well anymore, that leaves many without a clue what to do.
So here is what you should do. You should be kind to people and find people that are in turn kind to you. And you should open up to them, and talk with them about their issues, as well as your issues. You should try to help them, they should try to help you. Stop contact with people who don’t follow this model.
You can do this in many, many places. People crave this kind of contact and it is everywhere, but you have to look at the right places. You don’t look at the supermarket. You look in a volleyball club. You look in a queer bar. You look in a knitting class. There are things you like to do, right? Go do them with people. If there’s no group of your specific thing you wanna do in your vicinity, start one, or disregard it and try new things that you wouldn’t have tried before.
This is hard, especially when you’ve been abused and think everyone in the world is shitty. Yes, many are, but not everyone. I would say go to therapy if possible, and you should, but depending on your situation, that might not happen. You might have to find the strength yourself. Use communities like this, people like me. You can do it.
I don’t mean to minimize your feelings, because I’ve been in a similar spot before. Feeling like you don’t matter really truly does suck. A change of place might not be a bad idea. I moved up north from CA and I’ve noticed people up here are way friendlier. I’ve had decent conversations with cashiers almost everywhere I go here. Compared to the bay area or socal, where it seems like everyone hates their lives. Cashiers down there act that way towards everyone. It’s a hard job and the pay sucks for the area.
What really? I thought the bay area and socal were where everyone was supposed to be happy
Is it hard to be happy if you have a well paying job there?
For where I live, the cashiers aren’t paid too bad, though they probably didn’t imagine they’d be working that at the age of 40+
I’d like to move but nowhere really seems feasible. At least I know that I can live here okay with pretty much any job, and the jobs aren’t super competitive or hard to get. I can’t say the same about anywhere else. Which really makes me wonder why people are so cranky.
They are great places to live if you have a lot of money and extra time on your hands. The reality for most people though is working 60 hour weeks, hour commutes, and rapidly increasing cost of living. The tech sector is super volatile so that isn’t helping things either. A lot of people feel like they are struggling to get by and I believe that’s why service people are the way that they are.
Please take a deep breath, then read what’s next slowly, focusing on the meaning, not just the sounds. Read it over and over if you have to.
Ready?
Your abuser needed to put you down. They needed to make you hate yourself. They needed you to believe they were the only one who would ever love you. Because they knew that if you ever realized how strong, how worthy, how amazing you actually are… you’d leave.
Keeping you from believing in yourself is the chain they used to tie you down. You are strong. You are loveable. You are worthy. You are so much more amazing than you could possibly know. And the very proof is these wretched feelings that were placed in you by an evil person to keep you caged.
Every time you start to think these negative thoughts, I’d like you to say to yourself - out loud if that’s what takes - “these scars don’t define me. If the things they said were true, they’d never have needed to say them at all. These thoughts are the proof that I am so much better than that asshole would ever let me be.”
You can defeat this
You can be powerful
You can find love that is beautiful and kind
I believe in you
Please take it from an internet stranger: Fuck that guy (but not literally). You are worth more than him. Nobody deserves to be treated like garbage. You deserve to be loved and to find people you love. Nobody deserves to be taken advantage of by a scumbag and it’s nobody’s fault except the scumbags.
It might not mean much, but that is my genuine opinion.
Also, it is possible (though not guaranteed) that you still see many interactions with people through the distortion of the abuse. Please give yourself the time to heal from that. Time does not heal all wounds, but it does get better. A change of scenery, if at all possible, could help you create some distance to what you experienced.
