My last relationship was abusive and he said so many awful things about me. I can’t help but think they’re true.
I really feel worthless now. I have never had super great luck with relationships, but this is the most abusive one I have been in. Yet he made me feel like I deserve being treated like total garbage, because according to him I am garbage.
I never cheated on him or even spoke to other men. Idk what to do anymore. I’m trying to focus on my life but I feel like I’m in a toxic environment overall and I can’t leave it anytime soon. It’s extremely difficult to stay positive. I feel like everyone in the country I moved to either hates me or couldn’t care less if I died.
I don’t remember the last time I’ve had a positive interaction here, or anyone has tried to help me in any way or be nice. Where I used to live, people would hold the door for me, because they wanted to spread joy (obviously I would do nice things for people too and still try to). Or for example they would let you go before them if you only have one item or even just to be nice.
Here any time I’ve even attempted to speak to someone they always seem super disinterested, every time. Like I’m pulling teeth. I’m not even annoying about it or trying to push anything, it might be something going on in the store that is relevant to the person beside me for example.
Not to mention the cashiers, which at this point are the only people I interact with, are 9/10 times aggressive towards me. They glare at me, act super rude, literally throw my items. I know life isn’t fair but wtf have I done to deserve any of this.
Also I’m genuinely starting to think I might really be unloveable. Whenever I mention the concern of never finding love to anyone, they tell me I don’t need that to be happy, and I know that’s true but it doesn’t make me feel any better. It sucks feeling like you don’t matter at all on earth, and not only that but you’re just a punching bag for people’s misery.
You absolutely have worth. You’re not less worth than any other human on Earth. We’re just some meatbags on a rock hurling through space. Would you really think, from an outside perspective, any meatbag would look much different?
Now, our society is full. We have kept reproducing, growing population constantly. This has been causing constant issues throughout history, issues that we keep solving, which allows us to keep reproducing even more. Along with constant competition, which also causes changes, trying to outcompete each other for resources: material, sexual, etc.
One of the effects of all this is what you’re feeling right now. There’s no social support net. No tight-knit, small communities. Everything is being automated, everything is getting less personal. Our natural instincts don’t work too well anymore. “Historically”, you’d turn to family, immediate or even extended. But families have also been changing, people move all over the place, away from family.
So with what does that leave you? One (large) thing goes wrong, and everything goes to shit. The path to recovery is either effectively impossible or long and hard. And since the natural instincts don’t work well anymore, that leaves many without a clue what to do.
So here is what you should do. You should be kind to people and find people that are in turn kind to you. And you should open up to them, and talk with them about their issues, as well as your issues. You should try to help them, they should try to help you. Stop contact with people who don’t follow this model.
You can do this in many, many places. People crave this kind of contact and it is everywhere, but you have to look at the right places. You don’t look at the supermarket. You look in a volleyball club. You look in a queer bar. You look in a knitting class. There are things you like to do, right? Go do them with people. If there’s no group of your specific thing you wanna do in your vicinity, start one, or disregard it and try new things that you wouldn’t have tried before.
This is hard, especially when you’ve been abused and think everyone in the world is shitty. Yes, many are, but not everyone. I would say go to therapy if possible, and you should, but depending on your situation, that might not happen. You might have to find the strength yourself. Use communities like this, people like me. You can do it.