I go to work to work because I need a paycheck, not to make friends.
Where I am there is a new coworker that to me acts needy (think of Slow Horses’s Struan Loy), tries befriending me, but he invariably asks if everything’s ok. I don’t care about this person’s life.
The first 2 times I didn’t think anything of it, but he asks that every day and it’s becoming tiring.
I feel mobbed and stalked, mobbed because he keeps insinuating there is something wrong with me just because I don’t ask him about his private life and do my job, and stalked, because he is so fixated on me.
going to HR over this seems ridiculous, but I’m starting to hate his voice.
First off, I’m am not seeing really great communication skills coming from your end in your story here.
he keeps insinuating there is something wrong with me just because I don’t ask him about his private life
This is predicting. Or do you actually know he thinks this? The use of ‘insinuating’ sounds like you’re filling in a lot of blank space with your own narrative. Unless he came out and actually said this, private information isn’t necessarily an unspoken agreed upon trade. And if it was that would be a fault on his side.
And Just to get it out of the way: Introvert isn’t where you don’t want to socialize. It’s just a personality trait in how you recharge with or without socializing. Typical introvert would not avoid socializing altogether. They’d socialize and then excuse themselves for a time being. This is of course with healthy preferences of who to socialize with like any average person could have and that is perfectly fine but that isn’t a trait of what makes a person introvert or extrovert. That’s just having standards.
Either way, this just sounds like you have made a choice that this person isn’t for you and you have some unspoken boundaries and expect someone to know your boundaries without telling them. Even if you think you are being clear with social queues this might be a case of miscommunication of what a social queue is for you and what he reads communication(possible) . But I wouldn’t leave that to assumption.
People aren’t mind readers so of it is bothering you this much you could tell him like several others are suggesting.
after that if he doesn’t let up, see HR as that would be harassment at that point.
The use of ‘insinuating’ sounds like you’re filling in a lot of blank space with your own narrative.
kinda disagree:
I’m the quiet one and most extroverts where I work at find that offensive. they feel offended because I don’t ask them about their lives, lives I don’t care about. I’ve told 3 coworkers already that I don’t talk to them because I have to work and they react aggressively and feel offended, fully convinced I don’t talk to them because I hate them.
But keep not doing their jobs, meaning I have to do my job and theirs while they keep talking.
I don’t care about
I’ve told 3 coworkers already that I don’t talk to them
Ok so now you’re adding more information here. 3 people. this sounds less about just having some standards and more of a pattern emerging here.
What you are describing is more in line with how an APD thinks and behaves and not just a mere introvert trait.
The introversion trait isn’t attached to aversion. It’s based on personal need. No one trait needs to be rude and throw all politeness out the window. That’s bigger than a mere trait. People with introvert trait (without comorbidity) can actually talk to people and have a social ability even at work and they do not shy away from socializing full stop. They take periodic breaks based on need.
they feel offended
Again: that’s predictive.
Something doesn’t compute here. Unless you’ve misplaced yourself into a customer based industry and you’re just not a people person: Having a mere trait doesn’t end up with a collection of people aggressive at work. Nor would it be so attached to aversion and delivering hostile narrative on what other people must be thinking.
There is a proper way to break a conversation without having to be abrupt about not wanting to talk. Simply having a trait doesn’t rule over basic common decency.
You sound like you have something else going on aside from just the introvert trait.
Without knowing more about the situation, the best response is impossible to determine.
Are they fixated on you because they think you have social needs?
Has everybody else told them off because he is annoying and by not telling him off you are granting some degree of (passive) acceptance that he is needing?
Is he romantically interested in you?
“Look man, I just have no interest in having work friends. I am here to do my job and go home. You are distracting me from doing my job and I don’t appreciate that.” Or whatever.
Going to HR may be the smart move to avoid him going to HR about you not being friendly or a team player or whatever nonsense if you professionally tell him off. I wouldn’t tell HR you are being harassed, just tell them that he is distracting you from work and don’t appreciate it. If he continues after HR talks with him, then tell HR you feel harassed.
You going to HR can also take place of talking to him yourself. You talk to HR and ask them to tell him to let you work, they talk to him so you don’t have to try and navigate his bullshit and you get the issue noted to support your side of things.
You going to HR can also take place of talking to him yourself. You talk to HR and ask them to tell him to let you work, they talk to him so you don’t have to try and navigate his bullshit and you get the issue noted to support your side of things.
This is how humanity dies.
This whole comment right here.
I was thinking the romantic interest thing right out of the gate. I like your emotional need take, too. Either way it’s not work appropriate esp. if OP has communicated their disinterest before.
I also like your direct communication prompt.
While you’re right about how HR works/how to go about it, I find HR a hammer when a finesse tool might work. OP could ask their manager how to deal with it. Not only does this put it on the radar, but it’s a bit less official, and might yield the gray zone outcome OP is looking for
To add to this, OP may want to put their thoughts down in writing. An email or memo or note or anything as long as it’s not a text or other personal non work form of communication.
Lay it all out, over write it, put too much detail and then pare it down to what OP believes to be acceptable. Have some copies of it.
Give them the written missive that boils down to “leave me alone” Make a note of the time and date.
If the co-worker keeps being a pest, go to HR, with a copy of the missive, and a note of the date it was given to co-worker so that co-worker cannot wheedle their way into making it about them trying to “help” OP.
Also, fuck every co-worker who pulls unprofessional shit like this. It’s abhorrent and borderline harassment.
“I’m sure you’re perfectly nice as a friend, but I’m not looking for a friend. I like to keep my work and private life separate, and I’ll thank you to do the same around me. Don’t think I dislike you; but for me, personal chat is an unwelcome distraction.”
This is the best answer. Not that you even owe them this much of an explanation. But it provides enough detail to satisfy them and succinctly tells them in corporate language to fuck right off.
Don’t say it, send it in an email.
Carry it printed on a sign behind your back until he pops up, then whip it out after the first question. Then walk away after he’s read it, while conspicuously taking handwritten notes and looking back over your shoulder.
Why in god’s name would you escalate to writing?
so that if it escalates there is a trail of information to bring to hr. especially a good idea if this person has been around the company longer.
I would go to HR since this sounds like covert harassment to me. Don’t think it’s ridiculous - you have the right to be left in peace. Lots of red flags on your post. However, it’s worth trying to talk to him first, so here are my suggestions:
If you are working: sorry Mr Loy, this is not a good moment. I’m trying to get work done
If you are not working, but also not ballsy enough to tell him to go away: sorry, I need to go ( go to the toilet or just pretend to be in a rush)
If you really want to set up boundaries anytime (recommended): thanks Mr Loy but I’m not interested
The tone in which you say things has a lot of weight though. If you can sound tired and bored of him, all the better. People who pick and harrass others typically go after people who react either hysterically or annoyed, or also after people who appear coy or shy and polite. I hope this helps.
“Fuck off”
I’d always suggest being direct instead of waiting for other people to take a hint. Tactfully, mind you. Phrase it in a relaxed, emotionally neutral way that doesn’t single him out. Something like “Really, I am doing fine. When I’m at work, I just prefer to focus on the work itself instead of talking with people. I’m more at ease that way.”
That being said, is this the kind of work situation where you’re one of many options to make friends with or is it more of a you and him stuck in a room together all day type of thing? He sounds like a lonely person and if the two of you are stuck together then the best idea might be to seek a social compromise between you two’s preferences, like designating some specific portions of the day as times when it’s appropriate to have a conversation. You try to be sociable for him when it’s on, he tries to be quiet for you when it’s off.
I think a direct approach is best and not caring if the person gets offended but also not trying to offend them. Something like “Sorry i don’t feel comfortable with you asking about my personal life can we keep the conversation professional?”
Then if they dont accept that, and keep at it is when youd go to HR.
I’d word it more like “Sorry I don’t feel comfortable discussing my personal life at work”, that way it takes the onus off of the person and keeps it neutral.
Maybe that’s just me though, I haven’t worked in an office in 4 years.
I have a similar coworker, was constantly coming by and trying to start up conversation. Asking what I did the weekend etc. Why I don’t like their pears etc.
Finally one Monday morning when they came by wasting time I pulled off the headphones and asked "do you have a work related issue you need help with? " their response was “no I’m just socializing” I responded with something implying they’d actually be good at their job if they did that instead, and I’m not now or ever interested in socialising with them. They finally buggered off.
“Look man, I appreciate the concern, but really, I’m fine. I just prefer not to socialize.” Then divert your attention to something else.
Or you could pull an SGDQ and go with the ol’ “I would really prefer it if you would be quiet.”
“Please stop asking me if everything’s OK. Everything is fine and your concern is appreciated, but I prefer to work in silence and I’m not getting any right now.”
Or just stop after the first sentence.
Or before the “, but”
Or after the “but” and before the “and”
Have you tried saying, “Please don’t ask me that anymore”?
That will address the exact problem without being rude, without offending him, and without opening it up for more questions. You don’t owe him an explanation, so don’t leave an opening for one. Just say: “Please don’t ask me that anymore.”
If he asks why, you say, “Doesn’t matter. Please don’t ask me that anymore.”
If he offers an explanation for why he’s asking you that, you say, “Ok. Please don’t ask me that anymore.”
Neat and easy. No unintended consequences.
This website completely changed the way I thought about this stuff and I found it super helpful.
The line to walk, generally speaking, is, “When you do [specific behavior], it makes me feel [specific emotion].” So for example, “When you ask me if everything’s ok, it makes me feel pressured/put on the spot.”
Keeping it about your own feelings makes it less confrontational while still bringing attention to the problem - you don’t wanna get drawn into a whole debate about whether there’s anything wrong with asking if someone’s ok, but you want him to understand how you feel and (hopefully) take that into account in the future. If he does get defensive, repeat the message once to make it clear you’re standing your ground, but then drop it and move on. A lot of times it’s just a matter of the other person not realizing how it affects you.
Having said that, speaking as someone who’s very much had the same mentality in the past, there are a lot of advantages to having friends in the workplace. Something to understand about this approach is that it’s actually good for building relationships because it allows you to confront the behaviors that bother you while openly communicating your feelings, and people may even respect you more for standing up for yourself. Just remember to walk a middle ground, you don’t want to veer into aggression or passivity.
“When you ask me if everything’s ok, it makes me feel pressured/put on the spot.”
have you ever done this yourself? To me it makes me look weak, giving them something they can use to attack me.
walk a middle ground, you don’t want to veer into aggression or passivity.
Got it, aiming for passive aggression!
It’s hard to refuse someone who on the surface is just being friendly, and who might take your rejection as a harsh assault on their fragile personality.
I think just try to communicate to him that he’s distracting you from work. He might not actually realise.
If he can’t be reasoned with, then maybe yes go to HR
Are headphones a possibility in your workplace?
In this situation I would imagine him tapping OP on the shoulder or worse.
“I’m not interested. Please leave me alone.”
Seconding that.
Not cruel, but firm and transparent. Not too escalating, but not too subtle. Spot on.
i have a lot of issues speaking my voice (that ive been really really trying to work on recently) but the thought of me trying to say this is right there next to causing a huge scene and yelling FUCK OFF
how do you guys do this shit XD
Years and years of trying to be nice to people and them just using it against you, and treating you like shit is how you become comfortable being direct, and no nonsense.
Also remember not to worry too much about what that person is gonna do. In most cases even a manager cant even do all that much to you in retaliation, and if they do you have a case to take to HR. Don’t just accept that you are a victim.
