my supervisor is an extrovert, whereas I’m an introvert. She feels insulted if I don’t share my personal life with her and ridicules me before other coworkers because I separate private and work life and prefer to keep to myself.
I wrote mobbing because that’s what it feels to me: a ritual of hers is to always eat together, a time she uses to ask me questions I don’t want to answer. I usually answer very vaguely, which is not enough for her. If I eat alone, she’ll complaint about why am I being so unfriendly.
She doesn’t understand I need time alone to unwind.
She is convinced she is doing me a favor, but the opposite is true. It makes me dislike her even more.
I simply cannot win. It’s tiring being blamed and shamed for preferring to read a book instead of talking about dogs or sex.
It makes me want to quit.
I don’t know if I go to HR with an issue like this, because they may label me the odd one, the one who’s not a teamplayer and use it against me.
Most people are extroverted and react angrily to somebody who keeps to himself and I’ve been bullied several times for this. Extroverts don’t seem to understand that not showing interest in their sexual lives doesn’t mean disrespect, but simply that I don’t care about it.
It honestly sounds like you’ve got deeper issues with your boss. I would just shop for another job.
I’m quite introverted and have learned to only respond to questions when asked. I have no issue sharing any information. However, I have a major issue with understanding the scope of information worth sharing and when to stop. I do not let myself feel awkward in silence or the need to carry any conversation. If a person piques my curiosity, I can talk with them for days. I can find something curious to talk about with almost anyone. People that lack depth become a repetitive conversation that I will avoid.
Personally, I don’t like to be actively manipulative with people. It goes against my nature. However, if someone annoyed me like this, and I had no other outlet. I would subtly use their psychology against them about like how a psychiatrist turns a conversation to introspection and analysis. Once a person is made vulnerable through unexpected introspection they are easily dominated. I can get away with a lot of things like this because I am a big dude where people expect me to be assertive and dominant in many ways that I really am not. Your results may vary.
When I saw the title, my first reaction was to talk it out and explain your feelings to her. Once I read the rest, though, I changed my mind.
This is shaming and bullying. Sex is also a huge no-no. A supervisor should know better. HR is probably your best option.
I know that for years it’s been popular to say things like “HR exists to protect the company, not you.” In some cases, that’s still true. However, companies (and society in general) have become more sympathetic to issues like yours. They’d rather discipline people like her than deal with the multimillion dollar settlement people like her cause.
One note: document everything brought up to HR. If it is a small HR department, they could very well be friends with the supervisor and take their side. HR does indeed exist to protect the company but it is also made up of people (often extroverted ones). Documenting everything can help you out if there is any sort of retaliation. A threat of a lawsuit is absolutely something that can make a company be very apologetic and much more generous. I have had several friends that made sure they documented everything and were given six months severance when there was a possibility of a lawsuit.
HR does exist to protect the company, but sometimes that aligns with your needs. In this case, HR is likely more interested in avoiding a sexual harassment case (which would cost the company), so they’re probably going to hear you out.
Right, HR is there to protect the company. Your manager is (almost always) not the company. So if the manager is doing something fucky, that’s what HR is for.
It seems at least possible that her intentions are good, and you don’t want to blow up your job, right? Have you told her directly that you like her and like your job, but the lunch-and-interrogation is not your idea of a break, and you do need a break? With a smile, do not feel like you are doing anything wrong. You are not doing anything wrong.
I am surprised nobody else is sitting these out ever, if every other person in your group looks forward to the lunches and they are part of what she considers the culture of the department, maybe it’s important to her. But I have never worked anywhere where it was a requirement like that.
I like answering with completely bullshit made up stories. Over the top, but still comprehensible. It’s obvious they’re fake, but there’s no hard proof of it.
“What did you do this weekend?”
“I went to the second, secret Burning Man where they immolate an actual man.”
“I went to the third, even more secret Burning Man where a man immolate himself and we sat around him.”
I’ll trade you the communal toothbrush for this joke.
This is something you bring up in your annual review if you can hold out that long. Reviews are supposed to be 2 way streets to make work & employees more effective.
Be polite but frank and firm. If you’re in California this is a huge no no, as anytime you’re interruptted during your unpaid lunch time by your supervisor or work, the clock starts again and you get that time for lunch guaranteed.
If you’re not in California, uhhhhhh…good luck.
If you work at a company with a competent HR department they will be very interested in hearing about how your supervisor is forcing you to eat lunch with her while she interrogates you about your sex life. That is 100% not appropriate in HR world. Just don’t ever believe anyone in HR is actually your friend, stick to the truth always, and document everything. Literally, keep a log of everything. If you end up in lawyer world they will be very happy that you have documentation of dates and who was there and what happened.
I’m an extrovert. That’s not the problem. This is social bullying. Please don’t frame this as “extrovert” behavior. This is reprehensible social interaction. As an extrovert I would NEVER talk about personal experiences at work. I would NEVER ask anyone to participate in my conversations unless they clearly wanted to. Stop conflating extroversion with bullying.
The problem is caused by a combination of extraversion and low social intelligence.
Extraversion isn’t the problem, and I didn’t get the sense that OP was saying all extraverted people are like this. But the problem is undoubtedly related to the boss’ extraversion
And the skewed power dynamic.
Sheila, I’m a very private person and I would like to keep my work and home life separated. I need that to feel comfortable. I’m here to get work done and happy to talk about anything omnoir work.
Extroverts don’t seem to understand that not showing interest in their sexual lives doesn’t mean disrespect, but simply that I don’t care about it.
I was on the fence until this. This is extremely unprofessional and, if I understand correctly, could even get the company sued. Here’s how I’d personally handle it; but take this with a grain of salt because I’ve never actually had to deal with something like this before:
First, talk to a lawyer. Tell them what’s going on an get their thoughts and suggestions. The suggestions following may be way off-base.
Then, start keeping track of every time she brings something like that up, and log how you responded, how it made you feel, how she reacted to you response. You’re collecting evidence for a lawsuit on the basis of a toxic and highly unprofessional work environment that’ll hopefully never actually happen.
Once you have enough info that you could potentially launch said lawsuit, double-check with your lawyer and then you go to HR.
YOUR LAWYER WILL LIKELY TELL YOU THIS: DO NOT THREATEN A LAWSUIT. DO NOT EVEN HINT AT A LAWSUIT. DO NOT MENTION ANYTHING ABOUT A LAWSUIT, PERIOD. IF YOU MAKE ANY MENTION OF LEGAL ACTION THEN YOU WILL DESTROY YOUR CHANCES OF HAVING A POSITIVE OUTCOME FROM THIS MEETING. THEY ARE ALMOST GUARANTEED TO FIRE YOU AND THEN IMMEDIATELY LAWYER UP. THEY MAY EVEN ATTEMPT TO DESTROY EVIDENCE IF THEY THINK IT’S PREFERABLE TO A SUCCESSFUL LAWSUIT.
Make sure you log your interaction with HR as well; what you discussed, if you felt your concerns were heard during the meeting, and then make a follow-up log a week or two later to note if there was any change as a result of your meeting.
If there was no change, talk to your lawyer and consider trying again (and log everything again), and again, do not threaten, mention or even hint at any kind of legal action whatsoever. You’re trying to give the company ample chance to respond to your concerns.
If there was still no change, go talk to your lawyer about the possibility of pursuing legal action. It could be legitimately worth it, especially if they decide to fire you after your first or second meeting with HR.
Your goal is to have a paper trail so long and thorough that you can hang them with it (figuratively, in court) if necessary.
I’m sorry that you find yourself in an environment where you struggle to freely be yourself. I can strongly relate to this. I feel like I have to be constantly on guard and protect myself from people and it’s a shitty way to live.
Standing up for yourself often feels uncomfortable in the moment, but you are very likely to regret not doing it. Whichever of the various tricks in the comments you feel comfortable trying or have hope will help, go for it.
Just be honest and let him know you don’t want to talk about yourself/certain topics.
Join a union if you haven’t already, talk to a union rep.
Do you work somewhere where you can escape for an hour over lunch, perhaps? Like go to the gym or something? Out of sight out of mind.
I totally get the feeling of being mobbed, but to be honest find a way to cope with it at work. A lot of work places are by definition social places so it’s going to be really hard avoiding interactions all the time. Maybe go for a walk with a podcast or something?
Good luck 🤞.
Can you just tell her that you like to have quiet time at lunch to recharge for the afternoon?
Just hold your ground and keep reading your book, eating alone etc. If someone enters personal territory, shut it down by being honest “I don’t want to talk about that” and move on. Resist peer pressure and be who you are, it’s the same as it was in school.
Also, talk to your coworkers (I know it’s hard) about whether they think it’s appropriate. You have an impression they’re on board with this level of “intimacy” but it’s possible they are just going along to get along.
If persisting doesn’t work then it’s probably time to find another job. Plenty of workplaces out there that just want you to do your job and no more.
HR is definitely not on your side either, unless you can point to specific violations of policy. They exist specifically to cover their own ass, not to actually make your life better.
