I just got ghosted by the girl I was talking to, I want to find another girl to talk to. This girl and I met at the gym, but I don’t want to be the guy that goes to the gym just to meet girls. I mean sure there’s the bar and Tinder, but I want a real relationship. I mean, I guess it’ll come to me.
Some great advice here already! So I’m going to suggest something novel:
Consider “settling,” just a tiny bit. What I mean is, don’t be so quick to assess someone new as A Partner…potential or otherwise. Try letting gals in who are attractive enough and carry themselves well, seem sane, easy going, smart, etc. Shared values, that sort of thing. A female friend with potential, if you will. See where it goes; be open to being surprised, pleasantly or otherwise.
I’ve seen so many younger men “auditioning” mates with unrealistic expectations about “clicking” or “just knowing” — and winding up as older bachelors who have never even had a chance to practice being in a relationship.
Yes, like literally anything else worth doing/having, it takes practice!
This is good advice. The issue with modern dating is people treat other people like amazon products… they want a return/full refund over the stupidest most inconsequential shit and have ‘requirements’ that are often ridiculously rigid and superfluous. That and they want instant, zero effort gratification. During the early dates… if there is any awkwardness or imperfection… they believe this is intolerable. I’ve had dates make dinner for me and the dinner game out imperfect, but perfectly edible and good, and they harped on it so hard and broke up with me over it.
Not to mention the double standards. Sooo many people want someone who is better than them and meets standards that they don’t meet.
I’ve found the most important part of finding a mate on Lemmy is to run Arch Linux. If you do not run Arch Linux, are you even trying?
I use Arch BTW
Sorry, I’m only interested in serious partners. I use Gentoo.
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38 and I still hate hearing that. I think the people that believe this just got lucky and have some survivorship bias or something.
If you’re a guy you have to do something. Women will not just walk into your life, you have to actively try to find someone. If you don’t have a circle of friends it’s exponentially more difficult (see recent man vs bear in the woods conversations) as women want absolutely nothing to do with a “strange” man (as in a stranger).
Online dating is for young people (low 20s) successful people (wealthy travelers) and the very very attractive. If you’re a “typical” guy the experience is soul crushing.
100%
Plus a lot of very attractive people who get lots of attention have zero clue what it’s like to be an average person who gets little to none. And they all think they ‘are just average’. Or that other people should just ‘make more of an effort’. Wealth has a lot to do with it too. Ask a welathy person for dating advice and they will just tell you go out and drop five figures out the latest fashionable designer outfits… which isn’t viable for the person of an average wealth who is only spending like a grand or two a year on clothing.
Things are privileges because you don’t know you have them. And pretty people are clueless about how they are treated and assume everyone else gets their level of interest.
Shared hobbies are often the best way to get your foot in the door. Book clubs, local events, concerts, charities, and religious locations are a good start.
the bird will never land on your ship if you constantly stand guard to catch it, instead improve your ship and sail into warmer waters; the bird will land while you are not looking
- CGP Grey
I have to be honest, this made my day
CGP Grey might be one of the most interesting people to ever have lived. I cannot get enough of his podcasts. I still miss Hello Internet dearly.
No matter what so many people say, it’s not mandatory to have a partner!
Invest your effort in figuring out how to live with yourself. Build a life worth living on your own.
A right person might come, or not. But at least you didn’t waste your life chasing wrong goals.And also, all relationships are valuable. A good friendship is a wonderful boon to your mental health… and if you’re seeking a relationship for sex there are far easier ways to do it.
It isn’t, but loneliness sucks.
Good friends are a better cure to loneliness than one person, no matter how cool they are
it’s not mandatory to have a job or a car or a house.
but the vast majority of us want those things and a life without them is pretty shitty.
I mean, I understand people not looking for a partner. But sometimes having a person close to you can help a ton especially in hard times and great for fighting loneliness.
I have a a couple of close friends, but they’re all moving away for work/stuff, and being alone is hitting hard.
Dating apps are useless for any man who isn’t stupidly handsome or parasitically wealthy. The bottom 90% of men on dating apps are routinely completely ignored. For every swipe an average woman makes that gets a response from a man, the average man has to swipe right somewhere between 500 and 1,000 times to get an equivalent response from a woman, depending on how he presents himself on that platform.
Your best bet is social events IRL, and networking through friends. Aim for connections and friendships over relationships, with at least ⅔ of all new connections being other male friends, as you cannot be seen as “thirsty” under any circumstances. If you come across as desperate, you will be either ignored or manipulated and taken advantage of as a “useful idiot” with nothing to show for it.
Another good tactic is to become intrinsically motivated. When you focus on yourself, cultivate your own personality to benefit only yourself, and adopt a stoic mindset, companionship of any kind shifts from a requirement to a value-added proposition. You need to be completely happy and satisfied with your own solitude and existence apart from others in order to be a good judge of how others are best suited for you.
And many men are abandoning relationships altogether because the juice is just no longer worth the squeeze. After all, why be with someone who hates you for the gender you are? Down that path lies pain and suffering, and it is better for your mental, physical, and financial health to go your own way.
I feel like an average guy and I met my wife on a dating app
Normal people win lotteries, too. Some even beat the house at the gambling casino.
You just can’t expect to build an effective financial portfolio doing so. Such things tend to be lightning strikes that affect a minuscule number of people.
You got stupendously lucky. That’s it. You’re the odd one out, with another 500,000 guys having zero such luck.
You’re overthinking it.
As the other person said with the quote about the ship and the birds.
Throwing my personal story out there: I’ve only dated a few people ‘on purpose.’ I’ve only had one relationship that emerged from a dating app. But I’ve dated folks because I went to local geek conventions. I sparked up something casual with someone I met via a Pokémon Go-like game, who later invited me to the house of a guy she was trying to bang at the time, and I wound up dating one of his girlfriends (open relationships, no drama). Met a burlesque performer while I was helping out at a show and we dated. Met a woman through a board game night. I met this chick through an online chat, where I was actually trying not to meet anyone - I was intentionally avoiding her because she was beautiful. Apparently she dug that I was funny and didn’t try to chat her up, so she asked for photos of my butt, then sold her house and moved 800 miles to marry me. (Some details have been simplified.)
The point is, you just go out, do what you enjoy. Don’t tromp through the forest looking for wildlife. Go sing in a meadow and let the rabbits, birds and deer come to you, you magnificent Disney princess.
she asked for photos of my butt, then sold her house and moved 800 miles to marry me.
gyatt??? gyatt rizzler???
I don’t know what that means, but yes. To all of it.
You must have a fucking amazing ass if that was the thing that cinched it, haha. Gotta give her props to ask, though.
It’s not bad. I’m like, 5’9”, but I have a 29” inseam. I’m all torso, so I got these short legs that are pretty thick. So, I got that curvy booty.
Technically, I baited her into it. I told her I had just sent butt pictures for a friend - explaining that it was a quirk of our otherwise normal friendship (my friend and I had quasi dated for awhile until she moved out of state, and she liked my butt).
My now-wife said I should send her photos next time I took some. I sent my butt, she sent her butt, and somehow we wound up with pets.That’s awesome! Cheers on a happy relationship! :)
This isn’t the most practical advice but here it goes: Live your life, chase your passions, find community, volunteer your abilities, and work on fulfilling yourself. Along the way, keep an eye out for other lonely souls. At least this way, you’re more likely to be starting from some sort of common ground.
If you’re a bit of a black sheep locally, it can also really help (in a multitude of ways) to move somewhere that you fit in better. It’s unfortunate but true, at least in my observations.
Yeah, if you’re an atheist in the rural south, you’re not gonna have a good time.
Do you like dogs (Or cats, I guess)? The animal rescue I volunteer with skews heavily towards women. Help some animals, make some friends.
Of course, don’t just do it to meet women. If current me had some relationship advice for younger me, it would be to be patient and just make sure you’re out there doing things you actually like doing. And be interesting, which, comes from getting out into the world and doing things you like.
Interesting to whom?
A lot of us have interests and interesting lives, but unless those interests carrying social currency in your data demographic, they aren’t going to make you attractive. e.g. I don’t like travel very much, and it’s the #1 thing women in my area are interested in, so it makes me very undesirable. They could care less about my interests in literature and art, because it isn’t anything they can use to boast about to their girlfriends.
Don’t.
Okay, that could easily be misinterpreted. What I mean is don’t look for one. Live your life. Get to know yourself. Find some hobbies, start some projects, do some cool shit. Not as a resume for a relationship, just to do it and be fulfilled. You don’t need to find someone right this moment.
The worst relationship I ever had was because I was young and lonely and bored and I ended up dating someone who nearly destroyed my life and dominated everything about it. Took 5 years to get away from it. Subsequent relationships suffered, though not because my partners were awful, I just wasn’t worth dating.
At some point, I just got tired of it and “retired” from dating. I took care of myself, did things that interested me, and relaxed for a few years. Just me. I got really happy just being with myself. Then, my best friend of nearly 20 years and I ended up starting a thing nearly on accident, and now (a few years later) we’re very happily married. Absolutely would not have been possible unless I’d spent the time to figure myself out.
I had absolutely no luck trying. I went on dates, swiped apps, talked to every girl I thought was cute, and none of it went anywhere beyond some weird halfhearted relationships. About two weeks after I gave up altogether, I met a girl on my way to the water fountain and we just clicked. Six years down the line and we couldn’t be happier.
I guess my best advice is just don’t sweat it. Be yourself, do what makes you happy, put yourself in situations where you’ll meet new people, and sooner or later somebody will come along.
I think people are too quick to discount this advice but it’s honestly the best way to find a genuine life partner. Do stuff you love and if you find someone you’re interested in doing it (and they feel the same way) you have an excellent basis for a relationship.
Spend your time doing what you like and talk to women you meet while doing that. It has several advantages for dating. :)
I met my current wife in the crackhouse we both frequented, it was very romantic and just like a movie.
and just like a movie.
Trainspotting, Fight Club or Requiem for a Dream?
She’s always beating the shit out of me and may not actually exist so I’ll go with Fight Club.
The things that always works for me is stop trying and just working towards being a person I would want to have in my life.
At some point you will find yourself in a relationship without really knowing how it happened.
Yes. my major complaint in life is that most of my dates want to date a man who is a better version of themselves, but don’t want to do the work to be that person themselves. They just seem to think they can absorb qualities via dating a better person or something, it’s bizarre.
basically most of my relationships ended because she refused to do the work to improve her life, and wanted me to do it for the both of us.
I’ll get the ball rolling, as a married person myself. Just starting out with questions. First off, what drives the feeling of not wanting to meet someone at the gym, and second, what drives bar and Tinder only being artificial relationships?
It’s fine to meet someone at the gym, in fact it’s a good way to select for someone with an interest in fitness.
Going to the gym for the purpose of meeting someone means you’d be hitting on someone who’s trying to work out, which makes it easier to be an accidental creep.
yes that’s what I was hinting at for the OP. If you go thinking you are going to hit on women, that’s bad. If you go worried that you’ll be creepy, that’s a confidence issue. If you go and think hey, maybe tonight I’ll see someone, then that’s healthy
