Wish me luck! I’m about 10bpm away from a heart attack 😭

Edit: After removing my hoodie and revealing my top, my mother gave me the dirtiest look I’ve ever received from her. She complimented my jorts and belt, that was it. This sent me into a really bad dysphoric spiral. Grandma keeps misgendering me. Everyone treating me like a person feels forced. Currently crying in the bathroom. I want to die

Edit2: Mom was talking to me, asking me why I was sad. I told her, that I could never really afford the surgeries I need to pass, truly pass. She said how people get those and look funny in their 50s. She doesn’t even understand what FFS is. She told me I was a normal, pretty, young girl which should have made me feel better, but just felt forced and fake.
She told me that most trans people have 0 family support while I have full support, which is true. I just sit and whine while others have it way worse. I’m such a shitty person.
She told me I have all day every day to focus on myself, so I should get a job and distract myself. Not like I haven’t been trying. With my anxiety, even going to the store is a challenge. Leaving the house is a challenge. I don’t know how I’d manage a job.
All in all, today sucked extremely. I’m crying in the bathroom, again, but this time I cut my arm with a pair of scissors. I hate myself. I’m leaving the party now, and I’ll probably just end it when I get back. I’m such a useless existence. I want out of this world. Sorry everyone, for everything.

  • Brooke (She/Her)@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
    0·
    16 days ago

    She told me that most trans people have 0 family support while I have full support, which is true. I just sit and whine while others have it way worse.

    Thats gross, same thinking as “well i dont beat you the way my parents beat me” or “some kids dont even have clothes to wear, be happy with your 8 yr old outfits”

    Like yeah sure, maybe lots of trans people have 0 family (thats me) DOES NOT MEAN your feelings are any less real or valid.

    It sucks cause it sounds like your mom is supportive in the best way she knows how. But still you can have these feelings and you should be able to express them.

    Its like my therapist says, intent vs impact. People far too often focus on the intent of what theyre saying to others but rarely think about the impact of saying it. I can tell you that impact is more important, regardless of someones intent. If im making any sense lol

    Youre so so pretty btw, dont let them get you too down sis. Youre amazing and beautiful the way you are, no matter what ❤️

    • AnxiousMiisha@lemmy.blahaj.zoneOPEnglish
      0·
      16 days ago

      Thank you. Really, thanks a lot 🩷

      She’s really nice most of the time, but then she pulls one of these and I feel like all our good relations go down the toilet…

      Its like my therapist says, intent vs impact. People far too often focus on the intent of what theyre saying to others but rarely think about the impact of saying it. I can tell you that impact is more important, regardless of someones intent.

      This makes…so much sense honestly. I never even considered that, but I absolutely get what you mean.
      I’m definitely guilty of doing the same. Sometimes, I only consider the intent of my words and not the impact.
      Knowing the labels of these concepts, I can do my best to keep myself from doing the same to other people.
      That’s actually so nice of you to explain it like that, holy shit. Thanks a lot ❤️

        • AnxiousMiisha@lemmy.blahaj.zoneOPEnglish
          0·
          16 days ago

          Nooo don’t delete that, it was good advice 😭

          My hair is a mess, and quite honestly, really clockable (though not my most clockable feature).

          I should take waaay better care of it. I really should 😔
          I’ll try some coconut oil. Have plenty of that lying around 😆
          Should help with the overall health, maybe a bit of volume as well…

          Thanks for the tips!

          • skisnow@lemmy.caEnglish
            0·
            16 days ago

            thanks, I lost confidence in it because it got downvoted and I wasn’t sure how it was being read

            • AnxiousMiisha@lemmy.blahaj.zoneOPEnglish
              0·
              16 days ago

              Sorry to hear about the downvotes. I don’t even know why people would do that…

              You gave me a bunch of hair tips and I thank you for that

  • Deacon@lemmy.worldEnglish
    0·
    17 days ago

    Talk to someone, anyone, before you hurt yourself. I’m not a pro but I can listen and I PMed you my number.

  • teslekova@sh.itjust.worksEnglish
    0·
    17 days ago

    You look great, girl. Really. I’m glad your mum supports you, but it sounds like there’s a lot of people around who don’t. It’s hard to keep that from affecting your own mind, even if you know they’re wrong.

    However, it is possible. I believe in you. You’re brave, this post is proof of that.

    Hold your head up high, you are a beautiful person and you deserve respect, and you deserve to wear fun clothes like any of us do!

  • boobookittyfrick@lemmy.zipEnglish
    0·
    15 days ago

    Sounds like you don’t have full support to me and you know it. My family is toxic as hell and if I had the option I’d never see them again. Hope you figure out what you want and go for it as long as you have the opportunity.

    • AnxiousMiisha@lemmy.blahaj.zoneOPEnglish
      0·
      15 days ago

      I’m sorry to hear that about your family. I hate that this is such a common theme in the LGBT+ community, unsupportive or outright toxic family.

      Thank you. Please take care of yourself 💜
      It really sucks

  • Lehmuusa@nord.pubEnglish
    0·
    17 days ago

    I’m super envious for your style! (And body, you’re lucky with that one!)

    And it feels horrible what you now tell your relatives have done with you. It’s entirely unfounded. What did your cousin think of your style?

    • AnxiousMiisha@lemmy.blahaj.zoneOPEnglish
      0·
      17 days ago

      He didn’t even see me properly. I swapped my pretty red top for a T shirt and a bra under that.

      I feel like a failure. Once, just once I wanted to wear something cute in front of other people and then this happens.

      • aketawi@quokk.auEnglish
        0·
        17 days ago

        relatives can be the nastiest, I’m sorry.some people just can’t reconcile that someone can change so much. for what it’s worth, I think you look great in it, genuinely

  • Maroon@lemmy.worldEnglish
    0·
    17 days ago

    No accessories? May I suggest a bracelet or a simple necklace to really bring out your features.

  • despoticruin@lemmy.zipEnglish
    0·
    16 days ago

    Nobody ever feels perfect in their own bodies, getting stuck in the feedback loop of not accepting and tweaking just ends up becoming a halting problem. When do you stop? What is good enough? I think your mom might be on to something there and just didn’t know how to say it.

    The trick is to just tell yourself you look great every time you see yourself. Find something you like and ignore literally everything else, just focus on that. Eventually you start to see more that you like than what you don’t, even if nothing changes.

    It’s fucking hard.

    It’s so fucking hard to say I like the way this looks when I hate so much of the rest, but eventually I started to just hate less and less of what I saw.

    You look great. Getting into your head just ends up putting you right back into that feedback loop so change the feedback loop and that’s all mental, not physical.

  • Squirrelanna@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
    0·
    15 days ago

    I wish I’d seen this sooner. You deserve so much more than half-assed conditional support. You are gorgeous and I hope one day that you can look in the mirror and see the beautiful woman the rest of us see.