I’m a MAB who has always felt a little uncomfortable in my own skin. I’m decently comfortable occupying my body, but I do wish it was easier/more acceptable to transition. I had a dream last night that I was at a doctor’s office and I was starting HRT. It has put me in a funk all day.

To be honest, I consider myself fluid enough to continue identifying as a man to anyone but myself. I just wish I could live two lives. Or go back and make the decision to transition when I was younger. I am a stereotypical guy: hairier than not, chubbier than not, deep brow, gnarled hands, etc. I don’t really think I could ever feel truly “woman enough” to feel comfortable trying out the other side of the gender spectrum. I’ve tried growing my hair, piercing my ears, and wearing a teeny bit of eye liner, but it just never looked right on me. I just looked a bit weird.

I’m venting here to hopefully deal with the funky vibes my dream gave me. I’ve never been this open with any audience: virtual or physical. So, apologies if this is coming off a bit transphobic in any way.

  • Captain Janeway@lemmy.worldOPEnglish
    0·
    11 days ago

    And… I love your username. Toughest Starfleet captain, model main character, and a picture of femininity.

    Thank you!

    Now is all we have?

    I’m on board with that philosophy in theorry. It’s just difficult to actually make those changes. I’ve tried shaving and several other gender affirming practices, but I just fail to feel like it’s acceptable to me. I feel like I either need to be 100% fem-passing or not at all. As a man, I’m self conscious. As a man trying to pass as a woman, I’m 10x worse.

    If anyone else is reading this, that they should know I don’t even support my own logic. I’m just acknowledging it for what it is. I know we should accept ourselves, be open and honest, and express ourselves. But in the “real world” that takes courage and sometimes risk.

    I have a great wife and a wonderful daughter. A house and some pets. My wife is as lefty as it gets and I can tell she’d accept me no matter what. I know she wants a man - ultimately. But she and I are open about gender roles being fluid and reversible. So, for me, that’s enough. I wish I could wake up with our roles reversed sometimes. But I’m stuck in this body. My efforts to be the other gender just feel lackluster and ineffective.

    I’m usually quite happy in my day to day life. But the dysphoria just hits a little hard sometimes.