I’m a MAB who has always felt a little uncomfortable in my own skin. I’m decently comfortable occupying my body, but I do wish it was easier/more acceptable to transition. I had a dream last night that I was at a doctor’s office and I was starting HRT. It has put me in a funk all day.
To be honest, I consider myself fluid enough to continue identifying as a man to anyone but myself. I just wish I could live two lives. Or go back and make the decision to transition when I was younger. I am a stereotypical guy: hairier than not, chubbier than not, deep brow, gnarled hands, etc. I don’t really think I could ever feel truly “woman enough” to feel comfortable trying out the other side of the gender spectrum. I’ve tried growing my hair, piercing my ears, and wearing a teeny bit of eye liner, but it just never looked right on me. I just looked a bit weird.
I’m venting here to hopefully deal with the funky vibes my dream gave me. I’ve never been this open with any audience: virtual or physical. So, apologies if this is coming off a bit transphobic in any way.
Yeah… When I found out trans was a thing probably in the late 90s, I found it terrifying because I know I might want to do that. Like touching a hot stove. But I don’t know, I’ve heard a few people who transitioned late in life were happy with their results and were fully aware they weren’t meeting some cultural standard of their appearance and were content with it. I can no longer imagine myself doing any kind of gender affirming stuff. This is the most I’ve ever communicated about this my entire life. Anyway. If it’s about you all that matters is what you want out of it.
I appreciate the response. Yeah I’m basically in the same boat. I’ve seen a lot of the discourse online surrounding how people still feel it’s worth doing even if they can’t meet their goals. But I don’t think I could ever do it. Maybe it’s a lack of courage but it’s just hard to imagine. I think I’m committed to living in the dark on this front.