I first joined the Brazilian Communist Party (PCB) in 2018, right after Bolsonaro’s election. I had been following members of the Communist Youth League (UJC) for a few years by then, but seeing Bolsonaro win made me realise I shouldn’t be waiting until I felt I was knowledgeable enough on Marxism-Leninist theory to join an organization. When PCB split in 2023, I left to join the newly formed Revolutionary Brazilian Communist Party. We’ve been doing a lot of good work, but I turned 30 last year and it made me thing a lot. I’m a Film graduate and I went to college because I wanted to be a screenwriter. The career path I expected before joining simply wasn’t realistic: it’s quite hard to get paid to write, you need to do a lot of writing in your free time and then try to sell it or get a public grant to build up your portfolio. And the time and energy I devoted to the party simply didn’t allow me enough free time to write as many projects per year as I need to if I want to make in this area. I graduated 10 years ago and, since then, I have made nothing. I started seeing the names of people I studied with in the credits of movies and TV shows and it made me feel like I’m behind. I’m not feeling great about quitting. There’s nothing wrong with taking a couple years to focus on yourself, but stepping away from something I dedicated myself to for long and in which I still strongly believe isn’t a trivial decision. It makes me feel selfish. I’m hoping I’ll be in a place where I can come back to militant work in two years or so.
Oh, I definitely have some gripes with the party. Just because we split from PCB doesn’t mean every problem in the old party has been overcome. But, to me, that’s all the more reason to stay: I believe we need to build a Marxist-Leninist party that is recognized as a dominant force within the left-wing. This requires that we are ruthless in our self-criticism in order to refine our organizational methods. I want to be a part in this, because I honestly believe that, in time, we’ll get there. But I know I’m not in a place where I can devote myself to this, not without making personal sacrifices I’m not willing to make. Still, feels bad.