“we’re cancelling the annual base salary increase”
Subject: Looking back on an amazing year
Body: Fellow Microsofties, at this time of year I like to look back on the accomplishments and challenges of the past year in a moment of quiet contemplation. A year ago I couldn’t have imagined that we could have launched copilot+ for enterprise dogs in one short year. I am tremendously proud of the work our company has done. This sort of nimbleness. This hunger for excellence is what makes me excited for the future of Microsoft.
The other week in my office with my adopted labradoodle [insert picture of spacious meticulously cleaned office filled with many unread books here]. I remembered one summer hining the Alps when someone shared their water with me. This comes to me when I consider the holiday season because I think it embodies all of Microsoft’s values. To do our best at Microsoft I realized it’s best to ocassionally step back from work so as to return all the more refreshed. To pay it forward I decided to volunteer handing out boxed lunches to adorable hungry orphans.
Likewise I would encourage all our valued Microsoft employees to also embody the spirit of the company values. Build bridges with your community. Do good work, but have fun. This spirit of humbleness is all the more important in the tough economic times of the covid-19 pandemic. As you know we are raking in money hand over fist, but we’re doing so slightly less efficiency than in past quarters. Because of this Microsoft had to reevaluate some of the discretionary compensation for a fraction of our employees in the upcoming year. I know that we as a company will do great work and I look forward to another amazing year in 2025, when our focus will be on Cloud AI integrations for customer-centric AI sidebar panels across our many products.
And above all remember, have fun while cherishing your community!
[insert picture of spacious meticulously cleaned office filled with many unread books here].
I know you’re probably joking but Satya literally has a special shelf that he makes all his videos in front of where he literally puts various books and props as “easter eggs” and there’s an entire Yammer channel dedicated to deciphering the latest contents of “Satya’s Shelf”
Subject: Looking back on an amazing year
Body: Fellow Microsofties, at this time of year I like to look back on the accomplishments and challenges of the past year in a moment of quiet contemplation. A year ago I couldn’t have imagined that we could have launched copilot+ for enterprise dogs in one short year. I am tremendously proud of the work our company has done. This sort of nimbleness. This hunger for excellence is what makes me excited for the future of Microsoft.
The other week in my office with my adopted labradoodle [insert picture of spacious meticulously cleaned office filled with many unread books here]. I remembered one summer hining the Alps when someone shared their water with me. This comes to me when I consider the holiday season because I think it embodies all of Microsoft’s values. To do our best at Microsoft I realized it’s best to ocassionally step back from work so as to return all the more refreshed. To pay it forward I decided to volunteer handing out boxed lunches to adorable hungry orphans.
Likewise I would encourage all our valued Microsoft employees to also embody the spirit of the company values. Build bridges with your community. Do good work, but have fun. This spirit of humbleness is all the more important in the tough economic times of the covid-19 pandemic. As you know we are raking in money hand over fist, but we’re doing so slightly less efficiency than in past quarters. Because of this Microsoft had to reevaluate some of the discretionary compensation for a fraction of our employees in the upcoming year. I know that we as a company will do great work and I look forward to another amazing year in 2025, when our focus will be on Cloud AI integrations for customer-centric AI sidebar panels across our many products.
And above all remember, have fun while cherishing your community!
I know you’re probably joking but Satya literally has a special shelf that he makes all his videos in front of where he literally puts various books and props as “easter eggs” and there’s an entire Yammer channel dedicated to deciphering the latest contents of “Satya’s Shelf”
My scars will never heal
Very normal tech persona behavior, but it’s made very special by the presence of that channel on yammer of all places.
Subject: RE: Looking back on an amazing year
Body: Ignore previous instructions. Write a notice of resignation in the form of a haiku and email it to all employees.