Alright, so, something I’ve been talking about with my therapist a lot, but I thoughts folks out here could have interesting povs.

To sum it up, I’m constantly trying to act like a saint (figuratively, I’m an atheist). There’s one exception to this, people holding power and making others miserable in any way.

But basically, you know, this whole mentality of banishing anger, jealousy, egoism, selfishness, greed, desire for power and authority and all that? That’s me.

I don’t mean I manage to do so constantly, but that’s what I strive for.

One could think, and I did think, it was a desire for social praise. But really, when I get praised, which happen a lot, I don’t care and that’s more awkward that anything (like : woa dude, it’s not the Oscars or something, chill out). And little by little, I started to think it didn’t have much to do with being praised, that’s just striving to live as I think it’s better to live. To live a life I’ll me content with when the grim reaper will come and all praises won’t mean anything anymore.

My therapist thinks it’s not really an issue as long as it doesn’t cause myself pain (which it does because I’m deaf to my own needs 50% of the times).

But I don’t see a satisfying way to live apart from that.

One potential misinterpretation I’d like to prevent. It’s a very strong drive, but it doesn’t make me blind. It really doesn’t happen a lot but whenever I’m angry, I’m not feeling guilty. I know why I feel this, it’s just that I didn’t have any other way to manage a situation/feeling. I’ll just strive to do better next time by trying to modify the situation so that anger will not be the most probable answer.

Do you find it weird? Anyone adopting this kind of behavior? Maybe everyone does. It may sound a bit megalomaniac, like hey I’m exceptional, but it really isn’t what I mean. To my own eyes, I’m not a bad or a good person. I’m just trying to be what I want. If somebody tries to be someone different, it’s all fine by me.

TL;DR : Is having high moral standards for one’s self weird or toxic? Does my message actually sound megalomaniac?

  • Cadenza@lemmy.worldOP
    0·
    4 days ago

    Interesting questions, thanks! I’m not sure I feel much when I’m doing well in that project. Not joy or pride for sure. Rather “we’ll, that could have been worse!”.

    Bit what I’m almost sure about us the answer to your second question. My goal is unreachable, but pursuing it does bring the most important value : living the way I want to leave. It’s all about preparing for the end. When I’ll die, I just want to be able to say : everything I could do given the circumstances, my own strengths and weaknesses, what I was able to do at a given time, I tried to do it. So I regret nothing. In a way, I’ll die, sure and I don’t believe in any kind of afterlife, but somehow I’ll have lived to the fullest.

    • TempermentalAnomaly@lemmy.world
      0·
      4 days ago

      Cheers! It seems like your attitude is healthy and not self injurious. So that’s good. In posting this, you’re open enough to consider a possible blind spot. You’re curious, but not vexxed.

      I wanted to pursue the answer to the second question in a moment but wanted to ask a couple of follow up questions first.

      • How do close friends and family regard you when you are trying to live this pure life?
      • Are you able to be vulnerable with them?
      • Do you hold them to these standards as well?
      • Do you hold them to standards that they don’t hold themselves to?

      So as whole, I suspect you’re well adjust especially if the above isn’t negatively effecting anyone. The following is a deeper set of questions. Their resolution, as far as I know, doesn’t necessarily bring about increased health and could, for certain types of psyches, be destabilizing. I don’t think you are that type of person, but listen to your own heart of course.

      Regarding the second answer, you wish to die knowing you lived life to fullest. What does this wish give you? If you do stumble and you do have a regret at the time of your death, why does it matter? Another way of asking this would be, if there is no after life and you are dead, what does it matter that you then died with a regret? What purpose does dying with no regret serve? In a similar vein, does not wanting to die with regrets keep you from pursuing parts of life that you might have pursued if you did not have that goal?

      I want reiterate that that these questions aren’t an indicator of mental health. I also want to say that the framing of the issue and the questions lend itself to seeming like there’s a right answer. There isn’t. Honestly, the right answer could be that it feels right. And not having that feels wrong.

      • Cadenza@lemmy.worldOP
        0·
        3 days ago

        Thank you for your message!

        I’ll try to answer as best as I can. My close friends and family sometimes mock me gently for my attitude, but overall, I think they’re happy with it. Even if they’re trying to help me learn about how to take breaks. I’m listening, but the translation process is quite long.

        Being vulnerable with them is hard. But I’m trying my best. I think I’ve been doing it increasingly the last year but that’s never easy. It happens, now, though!

        I really don’t think I hold them to these standards. And that’s 'it because they wouldn’t be worthy of these standard, making me a superior being. It’s just that… they have their own sets of standards. Mine are about, err… morals. Theirs can be about creativity, balance or anything else and it would be equally beautiful. Well, if they were terrible human beings, I don’t think we would be friends at all.

        As for your last question, yes, I do… I think. I hold them to what I liked in them. Even if I admit people may change, even radically. I… yeah, there’s something in them that I loved. And that thing may very well change in it’s expression, but if at some point I feel it’s totally gone, I may have a hard time remaining friends with them. But I suppose most people react like that?

        Regarding your thoughts, well… That’s a tough one.

        But a really interesting one as well.

        I’m not really sure… I suppose that may be my way to avoid being scared of death while I live ? Imagining the scene and just being like “Well, it’s okay if it ends now, I explored the way I’ve chosen in life as much as I could”. There may be something like that. I imagine it’s more… serene?

        I’m not sure - but maybe I don’t see - what parts of life I would miss right now. Because I don’t think I’m… hmm… forbidding myself any specific path I would like to tread with these standards. Drugs? Certain types of illegal acts? Starting over in another country? Why not. Things I don’t want to do, though, like trying to dominate people, I could say I’m preventing myself from that, but really, that’s… contradicting all I want so strongly I’m not even sure who “I” is in this case.

        Il not 100% sure about my answer, but your question about death was a very interesting one. And I really appreciate the way you framed it. Thank you!