Day late. Was totally wiped yesterday and took a down day with the girl on the couch.
… When people, who have unalterable traits, tell you that they do not appreciate being stereotyped, having certain words used to describe them or people like them, or erroneously lumped in as the same as them, in certain contexts and ways… the decent thing to do is just listen to them and not demand an explanation why they find such things offensive.
I wouldn’t quite say I’m demanding an explanation. I would hope you see it as having a discussion with a typical who is genuinely trying to understand and is willing to modify behaviors if they are problematic. I was raised in profound ignorance by religious fundamentalists in the deep south. Sprinkle in racism and pretty much all the other “isms”. I’ve worked very hard to make my way out that ignorance. Asking lots of questions has served me well. I feel like that open questioning and willingness to try and learn is part of the reason I tend to get along so well with people on the spectrum as well as making my way out.
I also have a whole heap of monkey curiosity. Figure it’s a good thing. Want to know and learn about other’s cultures, experiences, and mental states. In no way am I trying to be aversive in this conversation, you just seemed to be willing to talk and I’m satisfying that curiosity. I like different people. Please don’t feel like I’m demanding your time or attention. If you need to tell me to fuck off, that’s cool, won’t hurt my feelings. If you need to space out your responses, I don’t need an immediate reply, take as long as you want.
I do not mean to be offensive, but you describe neurodiverse people in a… typical way that a genuinely well intentioned neurotypical person who has actually gone out of their way to learn about and personally knows neurodiverse people would.
Yup. Glad you see it that way. My wife and I are heavily involved in the BDSM community and are poly. I don’t know what it is, but you can’t throw a stick without hitting a neurodiverse person within our subculture. Neurodiverse individuals are far more common than in the general population. At a guess, 25%; certainly greater than 10% but less than half. It is common for neurodiverse folks to be in positions of leadership or longstanding respected members of the community. Another commonality among neurodiverse folks that I’ve noticed is that they are far more likely to be bi or some sort of trans.
… I am apparently quite an oddity in that I am a high functioning autistic person. I don’t like to use the term ‘savant’ because it connotes that I am some kind of super genius. I’m not a super genius.
I’ve actually known quite a few high functioning autistic people. Wife is some sort of neurodiverse, our former partner was high functioning autistic. Anyhow, savant or savant-like behaviors. Yeah, it’s not a great term. But, you know what I mean. It’s totally a thing. As a typical, I’m unable to make those leaps and do find it endlessly fascinating. Y’all’s brains are working on a different wavelength, and aren’t even on the same wavelength as each other. In this instance, we are looking at someone who is sorting pseudo random text into genetic code and then finding a genetic match. That’s a wonderfully weird thing to do. My questions about ‘Why’ would they do that are rhetorical. Those behaviors, even as a hobby, would never occur to me in a million years.
I suppose that’s what I’m really trying to ask. You’ll see the term ‘autist’ used as an explanation, ‘neuro’ in this case. You, and other autistic people, can find this offensive, and rightfully so. Is there an inoffensive term for these behaviors?
In private playful conversations with my wife, it’s not uncommon for me to call her a “fucking autist” or call her actions ‘autistic.’ This might also occur among close friends. It’s absolutely a slur. I would never, ever, do so publicly. Note that she calls me ‘old man’, calls me ‘bald’ or makes fun of my baldness, makes fun of my ileostomy, makes fun of my accent and so on. We use slurs, in play, for each other all the time. Publicly, it’s very common that I’m the butt of the group jokes because it’s obvious that it doesn’t bother me and I’m an easy and willing target for that sort of humor. (Average height/weight cis-het appearing, bald, white guy with a great beard/moustache and a southern accent.) I have a gruff demeanor so it’s a lot of fun for people to poke at me, especially neurodiverse folks, as they know that I’m a safe target by example from my wife and friends. (Think Jaimie from Mythbusters.)
That’s a whole other thing that happens to me with the neurodiverse. The pure fucking joy they get from playfully picking on me is something else. It’s apparently quite a thrill. Very timid about calling me bald, old, or whatever at first. My wife or friends are usually the ringleaders. I guess it feels subversive or something? I just growl, grumble or frown back with the very timid.
My wife and I have a lot of back-and-forth with this sort of thing. Our relationship is very kinky and this is how we flirt. She initiates by picking on me, gets in ‘trouble’, I put her in her place or give her a swat and a kiss. I initiate by picking on her or giving her a swat, she pouts about how I don’t love her or how mean I am, and I kiss her better. She wants that tingle of fear and then the comfort. Note, we’ve never had a real raised voice argument. We communicate very well. Real relationship issues are handled in an adult manner through discussion including cooling off, if needed. This is our relationship and communication style, it has grown organically between us and isn’t a one-size-fits-all.
With the other neurodiverse folks I’ve been close to, including our former autistic partner, I’ve basically found that we create almost our own dialect between us. I feel like, as a typical, that I have some gifts in being able to communicate and modify my communication style to theirs. I enjoy it and don’t mind stretching myself to their preferred communication style and level of comfort.
… People just enjoy doing things. Sure, some are more niche and rare than others… but why is there even a question as to why someone has some specific hobby as opposed to another?
… Why does an uncommon hobby warrant explanation?
… How can there be an explanation beyond ‘I find it entertaining or fulfilling or enjoyable?’
So, there are hurtful slurs that describe a common behavior among neurodiverse folks. When trying to be inoffensive, I’ve called it savant or savant-like behavior. It’s the sort of behavior that a typical would almost certainly never engage in. As a typical, when it’s pointed out that the person that engages in the behavior is neurodiverse, it’s an ‘aha’ moment often mixed with humor. It would be nice if it had an inoffensive label.
Day late. Was totally wiped yesterday and took a down day with the girl on the couch.
I wouldn’t quite say I’m demanding an explanation. I would hope you see it as having a discussion with a typical who is genuinely trying to understand and is willing to modify behaviors if they are problematic. I was raised in profound ignorance by religious fundamentalists in the deep south. Sprinkle in racism and pretty much all the other “isms”. I’ve worked very hard to make my way out that ignorance. Asking lots of questions has served me well. I feel like that open questioning and willingness to try and learn is part of the reason I tend to get along so well with people on the spectrum as well as making my way out.
I also have a whole heap of monkey curiosity. Figure it’s a good thing. Want to know and learn about other’s cultures, experiences, and mental states. In no way am I trying to be aversive in this conversation, you just seemed to be willing to talk and I’m satisfying that curiosity. I like different people. Please don’t feel like I’m demanding your time or attention. If you need to tell me to fuck off, that’s cool, won’t hurt my feelings. If you need to space out your responses, I don’t need an immediate reply, take as long as you want.
Yup. Glad you see it that way. My wife and I are heavily involved in the BDSM community and are poly. I don’t know what it is, but you can’t throw a stick without hitting a neurodiverse person within our subculture. Neurodiverse individuals are far more common than in the general population. At a guess, 25%; certainly greater than 10% but less than half. It is common for neurodiverse folks to be in positions of leadership or longstanding respected members of the community. Another commonality among neurodiverse folks that I’ve noticed is that they are far more likely to be bi or some sort of trans.
I’ve actually known quite a few high functioning autistic people. Wife is some sort of neurodiverse, our former partner was high functioning autistic. Anyhow, savant or savant-like behaviors. Yeah, it’s not a great term. But, you know what I mean. It’s totally a thing. As a typical, I’m unable to make those leaps and do find it endlessly fascinating. Y’all’s brains are working on a different wavelength, and aren’t even on the same wavelength as each other. In this instance, we are looking at someone who is sorting pseudo random text into genetic code and then finding a genetic match. That’s a wonderfully weird thing to do. My questions about ‘Why’ would they do that are rhetorical. Those behaviors, even as a hobby, would never occur to me in a million years.
I suppose that’s what I’m really trying to ask. You’ll see the term ‘autist’ used as an explanation, ‘neuro’ in this case. You, and other autistic people, can find this offensive, and rightfully so. Is there an inoffensive term for these behaviors?
In private playful conversations with my wife, it’s not uncommon for me to call her a “fucking autist” or call her actions ‘autistic.’ This might also occur among close friends. It’s absolutely a slur. I would never, ever, do so publicly. Note that she calls me ‘old man’, calls me ‘bald’ or makes fun of my baldness, makes fun of my ileostomy, makes fun of my accent and so on. We use slurs, in play, for each other all the time. Publicly, it’s very common that I’m the butt of the group jokes because it’s obvious that it doesn’t bother me and I’m an easy and willing target for that sort of humor. (Average height/weight cis-het appearing, bald, white guy with a great beard/moustache and a southern accent.) I have a gruff demeanor so it’s a lot of fun for people to poke at me, especially neurodiverse folks, as they know that I’m a safe target by example from my wife and friends. (Think Jaimie from Mythbusters.)
That’s a whole other thing that happens to me with the neurodiverse. The pure fucking joy they get from playfully picking on me is something else. It’s apparently quite a thrill. Very timid about calling me bald, old, or whatever at first. My wife or friends are usually the ringleaders. I guess it feels subversive or something? I just growl, grumble or frown back with the very timid.
My wife and I have a lot of back-and-forth with this sort of thing. Our relationship is very kinky and this is how we flirt. She initiates by picking on me, gets in ‘trouble’, I put her in her place or give her a swat and a kiss. I initiate by picking on her or giving her a swat, she pouts about how I don’t love her or how mean I am, and I kiss her better. She wants that tingle of fear and then the comfort. Note, we’ve never had a real raised voice argument. We communicate very well. Real relationship issues are handled in an adult manner through discussion including cooling off, if needed. This is our relationship and communication style, it has grown organically between us and isn’t a one-size-fits-all.
With the other neurodiverse folks I’ve been close to, including our former autistic partner, I’ve basically found that we create almost our own dialect between us. I feel like, as a typical, that I have some gifts in being able to communicate and modify my communication style to theirs. I enjoy it and don’t mind stretching myself to their preferred communication style and level of comfort.
So, there are hurtful slurs that describe a common behavior among neurodiverse folks. When trying to be inoffensive, I’ve called it savant or savant-like behavior. It’s the sort of behavior that a typical would almost certainly never engage in. As a typical, when it’s pointed out that the person that engages in the behavior is neurodiverse, it’s an ‘aha’ moment often mixed with humor. It would be nice if it had an inoffensive label.