I’ve noticed I have a problem with not noticing people’s bad intentions until I’m well into an interaction or relationship, and not having good ways to respond when I do notice. Some of this may be brain, but I think much of it is habitual from things I was taught in my upbringing that don’t work well in the world.
Has anyone successfully figured this one out? I’ve done a ton of work on myself and gotten a lot wiser, but I still keep falling into the same trap of giving my good faith time and words to people who are semiblatantly trying to take advantage of me, are asking questions in bad faith, or are just generally being kinda mean or creepy to me. Once I do notice, it’s usually gotten to a point where it’s a little costlier to exit the situation than I think it would be if I had noticed right away. It still happens even when I feel cynical or don’t like/trust someone.
Any way to avoid this in the future? I guess I feel like I need a good reason to think “fuck this person.” It’s hard for me to react to it in the moment when it’s not clear to me a)what they’re doing and b)how to effectively shut it down or extricate myself.
Could you be a little bit more specific? Do you have an example or two of people/situations you struggled to navigate? Bad intentions can mean a lot of things and understanding how you respond and how you wish you were responding could both be really helpful to figuring out where the process is breaking down and what skills might be most useful.
I am thinking of things like comments that were cruel, competitiveness, contempt, or people who are asking questions and acting interested but who are really trying to bait me into conflict or have an ulterior motive. I am better at it than I used to be but it’s hard for me to respond to it when it does happen.
Sometimes I interpret people too charitably or I just don’t realize until the next day how I felt or what they really meant. Other times I notice but I don’t know how to translate my internal misgivings into words that change or end the situation. Being angry or direct often backfires. Usually these are people who are acting as if we are friends but in a disrespectful way. It just really catches me off guard still, for some reason.
Boundaries have helped a lot, but my sense of self trust wavers a lot for ptsd reasons and this is probably what assholes are zeroing in on. I just keep running into it perenially. The body language thing is something i need to work on.
Edited because typos.
I’ve personally found it’s best to just directly ask questions when people say things that are cruel, come from a place of contempt or otherwise trying to start conflict. “Are you saying x?” but in much clearer words is a great way to get people to reveal their true nature. There is no need to be charitable if you’ve asked them and they don’t back off or they agree with whatever terrible sentiment you just asked whether they held. Generally speaking people who aren’t malicious will not only back off on what they’re saying but they’ll put in extra work to clear up any confusion - if someone doesn’t bother to clear up any confusion around some perceived hate or negativity, it can be a more subtle signal they aren’t acting in good faith.
If they do back off but only as a means to try and bait you (such as refusing to elaborate or by distracting), they’ll invariably continue to push boundaries or make other masked statements. If you stick to that same strategy and you need to ask for clarification three times and they keep pushing in the same direction, I’d say it’s safe to move on at that point.
As an aside - It’s usually much more effective to feel sad for them than it is to be angry or direct. But honestly, it’s better to simply not engage. Most of these folks are hurting in some way, and they’re looking to offload the emotional labor to others, or to quickly feel good about themselves by putting others down. Engaging just reinforces the behavior and frankly just wastes your time, because it’s not about the subject they’re talking about… it’s about managing their emotions.
Thanks. This is helpful