Am I crazy to assume that, if I tell one person but don’t specify any particular privacy settings, they would leave it to me to decide when I disclose it to others?
I guess I should get specific here. I was officially diagnosed a couple of weeks ago, as having autism spectrum disorder level 1. I have so far only told my mom, who I live with, and my best friend, who I suspect is also autistic. Today, I overheard my mom talking loudly on a video call to my brother and his wife, catching up and sharing their latest news. Apparently her latest news included the fact that I have been diagnosed with ASD. I hadn’t yet decided how to go about having that conversation with my brother, and now I’m pretty upset that I don’t get to make that decision. While I’m venting, she also mentioned that I’ve been less conversational lately, which she attributes to my diagnosis and to me no longer wanting to make the effort necessary to talk to neurotypical people (in reality, my chronic fatigue has been playing up lately, which always leaves me with less energy for conversation - she knows my chronic fatigue has been playing up lately, but apparently thinks I’m just choosing not to bother).
Am I crazy to think she was way out of line to share my diagnosis with someone without running it by me?
I’m also not sure how to move forward with this information in any way without it seeming like I was eavesdropping - which I wasn’t intentionally doing, she was in the living room / kitchen area, I was heading down there to make myself a cup of tea (which I do every night at that time, in the room that she was talking in) and froze halfway down the hallway when I heard her sharing my confidential information. I didn’t know how to deal with the situation so I just stood there for a bit and then returned to my room without making the cup of tea. If she had directly told me that she had told my brother about my diagnosis, or that she was bothered by me being less conversational, it would give me an opportunity to provide input on these matters, but as it is I don’t feel comfortable raising the subject, or noticeably increasing my level of masking (to accomodate her apparent discomfort with me not doing so), without the eavesdropping issue potentially becoming part of the conversation and complicating matters.
I’m also bothered because I have a tradition of once a year going to stay with my best friend for a while, and typically stop off with my brother for a few days when I pass through his city. Last year unexpected travel complications left me burnt out, so when I made the bookings a couple of months back for this year’s trip, I made it as simple as possible, including skipping the stay with my brother. I haven’t yet told him, and now I’m worried that he’s going to take it as me no longer socializing with neurotypical family members (even though the arrangement was made before my diagnosis). The whole thing is complicated and no longer under my control because my mother decided to share my diagnosis and her thoughts about my behavior behind my back.
Anyway, I guess I’m venting, and looking for input on whether this is as infuriating as it seems, and maybe advice on how to approach the situation.
Overhearing people talk is not eavesdropping. Listening more closely because the conversation is a break in your trust is natural, if they try to pull a “but you were eavesdropping!” tell them if they want a private conversation then to have it in a private place, not a communal area in earshot of the hall outside your room.
Did you make it clear this was confidential, or was it just assumed? If you explicitly told them to keep it secret and they did not, then say just what you said here. You happened to be coming down for a cup of tea when you overheard a betrayal of your confidence. Of you are frustrated, let that give a backbone and set a firm boundary, but don’t let it put words in your mouth and start saying things that will make them defensive. As soon as someone puts their guard up, the conversation is not going to go anywhere productive.
If you didn’t explicitly tell your mom this was to be kept under wraps for now, then lesson learned. You need to have a polite conversation with her and everyone she told that this is personal info not to be shared. Always explicitly set boundaries, assumptions never work, even doctors and therapists sometimes eff up and assume someone knows more than you want them to and spill the beans.
No matter what, your family loves you and only wants you to succeed in life. Spilling your tea was likely done out of an effort to help you in the big picture, misguided or not. For me, once I was comfortable sharing my neurodivergence with my family, life got easier as they were able to take that into account in our relationship. But I understand it’s your call, and if you need to come to terms with diagnosis first, that’s perfect reasonable and those in the loop should be made aware of how hurtful it is to betray that trust. Nothing a polite but firm conversation can’t solve.
Thanks for the reply, there’s a lot of good thoughtful input there which I’ll think about.
I was going to just upvote and not reply, but I had an amusing moment while reading your comment (and then felt that if I was going to reply at all, I should first acknowledge that this is some good substantial advice). I’m usually pretty good about understanding figurative language, but when you said “spilling your tea”, there were several seconds of confusion and rereading, with me thinking “but I didn’t spill my cup of tea, I didn’t even get around to making it”. I understood eventually, but kind of a funny autistic moment.
Ha ha ha, I actually spent some time considering whether or not to use that expression at all. I was going to make more obscure pun about spilling tea incorporating your quest for tea, but then I remembered what sub this is and decided to sit the split the difference and use it in a way the context will hopefully give it away. I’m glad I didn’t go with my instinct for terrible jokes and muddy the message!