I’ve been the primary breadwinner for our small family since our son was born (he’s 5). We aren’t officially married and we keep separate bank accounts. I make decent money in a semi-rural area, but with most expenses on my shoulders, there’s typically just a few thousand dollars cushion left at any point in time. My partner has stayed home to raise our child, which I greatly appreciate, and there’s some occasional income from her side, but historically not enough to significantly ease the financial pressure on me. Recently she has been working more and there are positive signs that we will be able to improve our financial situation as kiddo transitions to regular school.
Five months ago, her grandmother died, and she mentioned she would inherit around $20k or so. However, she never firmed up the number and hasn’t shared any details since. I’m starting to see indications that the actual number may be much larger and I feel like I have been intentionally misled. I’ve noticed quite a bit of increased spending. This is generally a good thing when it’s to help out around the house or for the family. I just have zero context for the scale of this inheritance. Is it enough to last a few weeks, months, or even years? Is it enough for a house down payment?
This lack of transparency is frustrating and hurtful. I’ve always shared my financial situation with her, including bonuses and raises, and given her extra money whenever possible. I don’t understand why she’s being so secretive about this. It feels like she assumes I’ll put my hand in her pocket, which hurts given how generous I’ve tried to be.
If we’re serious about building a future together, I believe we need to be open about our finances. If she’s sitting on a significant amount of money, I don’t see why I should continue shouldering 80% or more of the household expenses without an honest conversation where all the chips are on the table.
I’m afraid she is intentionally keeping me in the dark, and it’s damaging our communication and trust even further. It makes me less willing to share details about any future inheritance I might receive. I don’t want to become bitter or retaliatory, but this situation is making me question a bunch of things.
I finally asked her directly how much she inherited, and she refused to give a straight answer. Ooof, it’s probably a lot more than I thought with how rough that reaction was. Now when I’m thinking about all the recent times I’ve been “helping” her out financially, maybe I was helping someone who wasn’t being honest about even needing it. I also want to be transparent with her if/when I get an inheritance (unfortunately I am likely to be in this scenario within the next few years) but how can I do that when I’m kept in the dark on this? Am I just being greedy or something here? This seems like basic trust/ transparency stuff, and points at major structural issues…
TLDR: I’m the primary breadwinner, my partner inherited money and refuses to even tell me how much, it feels like a lack of transparency and a barrier to us building a life together after I have been generous for years.
First and foremost, it’s not unreasonable to expect transparency in this situation. Finances are difficult to manage at the best of times. Bringing uncertainty and distrust into the mix is a recipe for disaster.
That being said, consider that the reason for her behavior may not be entirely malicious or deceptive.
If I may ask, how independent was your SO prior to your child being born? Did she work? Did she have hobbies she paid for? Did she have expendable income?
For the last five years she has likely had the feeling that she had no agency over her own financial situation. That can be incredibly uncomfortable and even anxiety inducing for many people. She has been relying entirely on your generosity, that’s true, but remember that also means she’s been beholden to that generosity, and your decisions in the workplace as well.
It may be that her desire to keep the inheritance quiet is for her own mental health, whether she realizes it or not. It can be very stressful for stay at home spouses to spend money on themselves and feel good about it when it’s always in the back of their mind that they didn’t earn it, that using it frivolously is wasting someone else’s hard work.
None of this is to say that it’s okay for her to be secretive. It’s not. She needs to be transparent, as I said at the start.
But perhaps this can you help you approach the issue with grace and understanding so that it’s not a “me vs you” discussion and instead it’s an “us vs the problem” discussion.
I appreciate this reply, thank you, it’s pretty accurate. I can even see it but in the moment it is hard to not get reactive around these hot button issues.
I don’t think she intends to be malicious, but I don’t know how to categorize this as not deceptive. Her standards for the transparency she demands of me is quite high, so it doesn’t feel reciprocal at all.
You have hit the nail on the head as far as describing the whole identity crisis that happens as a stay at home mom. She was far more independent, we lived in another city where we had more support from friends, and in general there have been a plethora of stressful life challenges that we have faced along the way. Mental health has been a big challenge for sure.
This isn’t lost on me, I just don’t always know a skillful way to address it in the moment.
The first thing to do is try to communicate what you think she’s dealing with. You can start with a simple “I want to tell you what I think is happening, and for you to correct me where I’m wrong, ok?” It should be a specific conversation where you sit down and talk just about this. Tell her you want her to feel like she has independence. Tell her you understand that the last five years have been suffocating and you want to be her ally. Tell her you love her and want to support her and want her to have money to spend on herself, and to feel the joy of a big inheritance.
And tell her that when she hides things, when she isn’t open, it makes you feel like she views you as the enemy, the opposition, the “other team”.
Partnerships aren’t about two people facing each other and meeting in the middle. They’re about two people standing side by side, facing the world. If you can convey your belief in that, and that you have no intention of taking from her to “make up for what you’ve given” or anything in that realm, you’ll be in a much better spot to talk about what’s going on and how to address it
Be prepared to make some concessions btw. If, for example, she wants to keep a nest-egg so that she feels like she has something to fall back on, you’ll probably need to be okay with that. Don’t view it as a commentary about how she views you. It’s almost certainly not about you, but about the difficulty adjusting to her new reality and the stress of having a whole lot of her self-determination and agency stripped away in the past 5 years
You can definitely manage this. I get the feeling this all comes down to her feeling understandably dissatisfied about parts of her life when she compares them to before your child was born. That’s very normal. Talking through it, restating her concerns so she knows you understand, and tackling solutions together is the key
This is good advice, thanks for the support. I don’t need to have any say in what she does with her money, I just want her to be honest with me.
Happy to help ❤️