I’ve been the primary breadwinner for our small family since our son was born (he’s 5). We aren’t officially married and we keep separate bank accounts. I make decent money in a semi-rural area, but with most expenses on my shoulders, there’s typically just a few thousand dollars cushion left at any point in time. My partner has stayed home to raise our child, which I greatly appreciate, and there’s some occasional income from her side, but historically not enough to significantly ease the financial pressure on me. Recently she has been working more and there are positive signs that we will be able to improve our financial situation as kiddo transitions to regular school.
Five months ago, her grandmother died, and she mentioned she would inherit around $20k or so. However, she never firmed up the number and hasn’t shared any details since. I’m starting to see indications that the actual number may be much larger and I feel like I have been intentionally misled. I’ve noticed quite a bit of increased spending. This is generally a good thing when it’s to help out around the house or for the family. I just have zero context for the scale of this inheritance. Is it enough to last a few weeks, months, or even years? Is it enough for a house down payment?
This lack of transparency is frustrating and hurtful. I’ve always shared my financial situation with her, including bonuses and raises, and given her extra money whenever possible. I don’t understand why she’s being so secretive about this. It feels like she assumes I’ll put my hand in her pocket, which hurts given how generous I’ve tried to be.
If we’re serious about building a future together, I believe we need to be open about our finances. If she’s sitting on a significant amount of money, I don’t see why I should continue shouldering 80% or more of the household expenses without an honest conversation where all the chips are on the table.
I’m afraid she is intentionally keeping me in the dark, and it’s damaging our communication and trust even further. It makes me less willing to share details about any future inheritance I might receive. I don’t want to become bitter or retaliatory, but this situation is making me question a bunch of things.
I finally asked her directly how much she inherited, and she refused to give a straight answer. Ooof, it’s probably a lot more than I thought with how rough that reaction was. Now when I’m thinking about all the recent times I’ve been “helping” her out financially, maybe I was helping someone who wasn’t being honest about even needing it. I also want to be transparent with her if/when I get an inheritance (unfortunately I am likely to be in this scenario within the next few years) but how can I do that when I’m kept in the dark on this? Am I just being greedy or something here? This seems like basic trust/ transparency stuff, and points at major structural issues…
TLDR: I’m the primary breadwinner, my partner inherited money and refuses to even tell me how much, it feels like a lack of transparency and a barrier to us building a life together after I have been generous for years.
I think it’s insane that married people keep separate finances in the first place. I know lots of people do it, though.
But it’s unfathomable to me that you would be sharing a life, home, and child with someone and not even have financial transparency.
I’d be pushing very hard for total transparency.
Definitely agree with that. I always thought that people that do that have hang ups that they just need to get over. My wife and I are a team. My success is hers and her success is mine. We share all debts, including those from before we were together.
We are not officially married, but I certainly agree it’s insane to not have transparency in a committed relationship. What’s the point of being together if they can’t even trust me with information?
Depending on your location you could very well be common law married and not realize it. In Colorado, if people think you’re married for a long enough period of time then you legally become married for all intents and purposes.
OP states they are not officially married. This doesn’t change the fact that financial transparency is very important in a relationship, in particular when a kid is also involved.
Separate finances and financial transparency are 2 different things.
Exactly. My partner and I are completely transparent about our income and based on that we have determined a ratio that we use to pay our household expenses and to create some buffers for renovations, taxes, holidays, etc. The rest of the money stays in our own bank accounts and we can do whatever we like with it. To me that makes perfect sense. If I’d like to spend money on something very expensive for myself, why should that be paid from a joint account? That will only lead to discussions. Of course things would be different if one of us wouldn’t have a job, or wouldn’t be earning enough to live a healthy life. It all depends on the circumstances.
That’s not seperate finances really, it’s pooling together and getting a percentage to spend with extra steps.
Then how would you describe separate finances? We each have our own savings, investments, spending money, etc. The pooled money is on joint accounts to which we automatically distribute a fixed amount of money from our income. I mean, technically you could let one person pay the mortgage/rent, insurance, etc, but if you then split the costs later, you’re still doing the same thing. The only difference is that we split it automatically once a month.
This is a perfect way to do things in my opinion
Some people are dog shit at financial management, like if their bank account has $200 and they get paid at midnight they have a compulsion to spend it.
Some couples aren’t doing separate accounts to hide shit, they’re doing it because one partner can’t be trusted with money.
Hell, when I first bought my house I didn’t trust myself enough. I had a “bills” bank account I didn’t even have a debit card to. I kept a little extra and direct deposited bill money into it, and had all my bills on auto pay from it.