Heard a guy respond to another guy calling him a motherfucker with ‘yeah, but your mom didn’t complain much’, so it got me thinking. What are your best comebacks for the common insults you hear from time to time?
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One I’ve heard: a guy was giving another guy some shit for drinking a “girly drink”, saying “real men don’t drink those”.
The guy instantly responded, “Real men drink whatever the fuck they want.”
Man. I’m gonna use this one for sure!
It lands best if you order a Cosmo or something equally “girly” coloured right before.
Appletini
Easy on the tini
Lassie, in response to the bestiality rumors circulating about you, I have decided to forgo calling you by the usual girl’s name, and instead I am going to refer to you as whatever famous dog I can think of. I have gone with Lassie because of course it satisfies the criteria of being both a girl’s and a dog’s name, thus helping you to ease into the transition
JD?
Oh man, I haven’t had one of those in a hot minute. Guess I know what I’m sipping during the HCS grand finals on Sunday.
Rose wine or one of those raspberry beers don’t count?
All the raspberry beers I’ve had are regular beer coloured honestly, but Rose absolutely gives the right effect.
For girl colored drinks, a Pink Lady is an incredible cocktail for all genders to enjoy, and one I’d recommend if your bartender can actually make it. Best when a bar makes their own grenadine, too.
What is it, your period?
Absolutely! What is more manly than being independent and not giving a damn about what others think!
“I fucked your mom”
Oh, so now you’re disappointing other people’s parents?
Wow, nice.
If it’s someone random, and I haven’t said anything to them at all, I’ll usually put on a confused face and sign “What?” in ASL. Really takes the piss out of them. The hardest part is keeping a straight face when they try to repeat the insult but louder.
It’s also my go-to power move when I’m in a long line or waiting room and someone tries to get chatty. Seriously, if you have the opportunity to take some ASL classes, you definitely should.
I pull out the “I’m rubber, you’re glue”. Nobody expects it these days, either that or “Would Mister Rogers approve of your actions?” I’ve yet to meet someone who doesn’t at least pause at that.
I can’t pull it off, but “I’m thinking you weren’t burdened with an over-abundance of schooling.” From Firefly is killer
Your mother was a hamster, and your father smells of elderberries.
Which, IIRC, insinuated that their mother was a snackish breeder and their father was a gin drunk. (Also, that she was past tense?)
She got better
Might go for a walk!
“How appropriate, you fight like a cow”
That’s just like… Your opinion man
You’re not wrong Walter, you’re just an asshole.
“Well, I guess you’re no longer invited to my birthday party.”
Said to a random person, it confuses the hell out of them.
If someone calls you a pussy, the best response is “you are what you eat, dick.”
The best comeback to an insult in general is:
“Who is this clown?”
Because it not only calls them a clown, but it infers they aren’t even popular enough to be a well-known clown.
*implies
Who is this clown?
“No u”
Mirroring works best if you monkey them. Just repeat the exact words just like in an ape voice. A little pantomime helps, too.
Ultimate uno reverse card.
“Sorry, I’m not going to have a battle of wits with someone who is clearly unarmed.”
Ignoring them. Nothing grinds their gears more.
You are rubber, I am glue.
Don’t you have that in reverse? It’s supposed to bounce off of you and stick to me, which means you’re supposed to be the rubber.
Behind you, a three headed monkey!
Someone asked if I was dropped as a baby due to my performance difficulties and I responded by saying she’d know it would’ve been worth it if she was ever held.
No one insults me, so these aren’t field tested.
“Oh yeah? Well, the jerk store called and they’re running out of you.”
“I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!”
“Yeah, well, you know, that’s just, like, your opinion, man.”
“What you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”
“The ocean called. They’re running out of shrimp!”
