Twenty-two days ago, my wife asked me if I was trans. I had been quite depressed for some times, and maybe a little suspect during lunch when she saw a signal notification on my phone from someone I recently had to block here.

It has been so rough since then. She was not in a good state before because her job was awful (bad atmosphere, nothing to really do…) and I dumped it on her in the worst kind of way. She can’t accept it, to see me change, to stop presenting as a man. To her it is some ADHD hyperfocus and she believes I think it will solve all my issues with depression, focusing and stuff. Of course I know it fucking won’t but I need to do it. I guess I knew this would be the outcome so I spent 3 years trying to refuse my feelings. I don’t blame her. I lied to her by omission for 3 years, and she does not even know that I married her while trying to repress it all. She is also overwhelmed by anxiety and depression too. She does not want to leave as it means leaving me, our house, our cats, but I can’t seem to find a way to keep her from leaving and start my transition. I don’t want to lose her, I need her by my side. I love seeing the joy on her face when she talks to me about sewing, how happy she is to pet our cats, the fun we had playing board games or RV There Yet with her best friend, how satisfied she was to go to the gym and enjoy sport for the first time in her life, the evening watching tv under a cover, next to each other, the sex too. It kills me to see her in this state and I don’t know what to do, I just watch her pack her stuff without realising it will probably be the end.

A few days before, I met another baby trans girl on the fediverse. We grew feelings for each other fast : talking about IRL, how we felt with transitionning, being horny freaking too fast with each other. I’ll remember how I made her cum with a few messages because of how she is a good girl. We were so horny for each other, even when we attempted to bonk each other because we knew it would cause pain, and it was irresponsible. As I was seeing my mariage going south, I felt hope to build something with this older sister, as it was a rough time for her too. After a long discussion with her girlfriend, she accepted to stop talking to me and left our instance’s chat. After the last message, I managed to block her account here, but it kills me to not know how she is doing.

Now I just feel alone, and I want to be alone, but it scares the shit out of my wife to let me alone because I’ll do something stupid (I don’t plan to kill myself, but to cut me that sounds sweet) I’ll see my best friend this weekend and say all I have to say, I guess.

I am so sorry to have cause this much suffering to my wife and my sister. I can’t even fucking cry, nothing comes out.

Now, who’s the worst, Miisha?

PS: this will probably be a pain to read and I apologize for it, and I hope that blocking also prevents the other to see my post.