STANFORD, CA—In a cutting-edge breakthrough for their field, psychologists at Stanford University confirmed Thursday they had trained a full-grown man to ask for help when he needed it. “After years of rigorous experimentation, we believe the test subject, whom we have named Buster, is finally capable of requesting assistance from others,” said researcher Alexandria Walker, who shared that her team of scientists had placed a bowl of chips on a high shelf and spent three years in the laboratory observing the 52-year-old man struggle to reach it. “We used techniques of both reinforcement and punishment, offering Buster deli meat when he looked our way and administering an electric shock each time he mustered an ‘I can do it all by myself.’ After nearly 30 months of experimentation, he finally grunted and gestured toward the stepladder he knew was kept in a locked cabinet. The implications are staggering. We hope that one day, full-grown men everywhere will be capable of asking for help when they need it.” At press time, Walker added that she believed with only another five years of training, the man would be capable of using words like “please.”