I genuinely don’t understand how people see social interaction as something beautiful or natural. To me it feels like pure obligation.
Even at work you are not really yourself. You are adjusting how you speak, how you act, and how you respond just to fit the role, satisfy your employer, and keep things smooth with colleagues. That constant switching can be exhausting.
Outside of work it does not feel that different. Conversations, replying, small talk, making plans, it can all feel more like maintenance than real connection.
And yeah, I can agree that most people are not fully themselves in these situations. Everyone is performing to some extent depending on the setting. The difference is some people find it normal while others find it draining.
Sometimes it feels like people are not actually enjoying it as much as they say, they are just used to it being the default way to live.
Maybe I am missing something but I do not see the beautiful part everyone talks about.
I am with you 100% on this.
I have very few friends with whom I can interact with effortlessly and enjoy myself. And when I see other people talking about “socialising”, it feels fake. Maybe it is fine for them, but to me, as you said, it is draining.
ITT: introverts (I’m one too)
People who are extroverted genuinely feel exactly the opposite of what you’re describing, being in a social situation is relaxing/easy for them, and being alone is what’s draining. I could go on and on about capitalist alienation and modern isolation and those are definitely factors but IMO the introvert/extrovert split predates the economic system, the main thing now is that if you don’t like dealing with people instead of being a hermit you spend ages on the Internet.
There’s a saying that goes “A burden shared is a burden halved. A joy shared is a joy doubled.”
Having a few close friends makes bad times suck less and good times even better.
Noup, 99,99% of the interactions aren’t beautiful or magical. Overwhelming majority are different degrees of exhausting navigation on a minefield.
Yeah, majority of interactions are just obligations. Just running an automatic script curated for that situation or person. Those are draining, but make up the majority of day to day interactions. Aka at work or store.
Then there are the neutral ones, that doesn’t drain and are under better circumstances or just basic exchange of information. Aka with a family or here.
And then there are the once in a blue moon aka 0,01% of interactions under good conditions, in limited exposure, good subject, that are kinda good even. Though these are bordering a statistical anomaly and do not make the rule.
Even if you have bad mental health consequences interacting with ppl (in all or just select ways, eg groups above 3), you also get bad mental health consequences without socialising (that works over longer periods and can be bad), it’s just how our bodies function. So if longevity is something of interest, then socializing is a must afaik.
Regarding all forms of communication - they are all limited at all times, only you have the context & pov of you. And still speech is one of humanity’s greatest achievements simply bcs it’s so much better at quick or detailed conveying of shitposts.
even if the ‘real’ you is just the one who is fashioning the ‘masks’, which masks you wear and their details says everything about the ‘reality’ underneath. The masks are there to obscure our faces from ourselves as much as for the social other
Yeah, but I meant masking as wiki/Masking_(behavior):
In psychology and sociology, masking, also known as social camouflaging, is a defensive behavior in which an individual conceals their natural personality or behavior in response to social pressure, abuse, or harassment. Masking can be strongly influenced by environmental factors such as authoritarian parents, social rejection, and emotional, physical, or sexual abuse.
It’s the thing that we all use to an extent as a means to even be able to communicate - eg I might make eye contract & some hand gestures bcs that facilities a conversation, bcs if I don’t do that ppl will add to their understanding of our conversation that I am being dishonest (and not merely a bit less neurotypical).
It’s “skills” we develop growing up bcs we were told or deduced from environment that certain things should be a certain way in order to even communicate. Some things might be ez, some take a huge toll.
If you mean masks like direct lying or manipulation beyond facilitating a convo (an exchange of ideas), that is not what I meant.
It’s like getting to speak the same language basically, a set of basic prerequisites.Normal masking helps you have, sustain, and help a relationship, we have a bit different needs & preferences. It’s not about hiding stuff, I directly tell ppl I’m faking eye contract, but ppl still need it anyway.
Lying, eg telling (core conversational) stuff that isn’t true, is different, that is just shitty. And yes, you can tell what the underlying personality wants to get out of that manipulation. (And yes, that is humanity.)
But if I can’t have a normal conversation with a new friend or eg someone I need to interact with (eg a store employee) than I just get left out of society & need help.
what i’m getting at is, your social disguise is going to mostly be effective on people who rely on appearances to judge the interior quality of things (including people). You will turn away high quality people who can see through your disguise, and to retain around you people who either can’t tell between you and the mask or don’t care. It’s a good survival strategy but not a good way to find deeper, worthy relationships.
If i wanted to be a little more cryptic and spooky about it i’d say something like ‘there is no ‘real’ you under the masks, it’s just masks on top of masks all the way down, the stack of masks in a literal sense is the reality of you.’
Lol, “high quality people”, that’s inventing classes & intolerance where it’s not needed.
So if I speak a language the other party doesn’t know (even tho I know their language & can speak it) I’ll be able to get a good thing going?
Social disguise does not exclude being completely honest. That is a separate thing!
Also you think ppl are dumb & can’t differentiate between social masking & what the words that I’m speaking mean?
I connect well with ppl listening to the meaning I try to convey, it’s way harder with ppl that take your social vibe into consideration (bcs now I have to modulate that as well as my words to get the same meaning across).You will turn away high quality people who can see through your disguise . . .
The “disguise” as you call it isn’t a secret, it’s meant to be understood & looked-through. That’s how all deeper relationship work bcs even what you would call “no disguise” (which imho isn’t a thing bcs we learn cultural norms, we aren’t born with them) works just as a disguise bcs the limits of communication are just so vast.
Human beings are social animals. They need social interaction to survive. Being isolated is recognized as a form of torture. Interactions being draining is often a consequence of contingent societal factors rather than an essential property of interaction itself.
I find it draining but rewarding.
I love interacting with people, it fills me with joy making someone else smile or laugh, or helping them feel supported and accepted when times are tough, or lifting them up so they feel clever or helpful or kind. But I also require a lot of solo time to recharge.
I have made several friends in life who I can be in silence with - that really helps me not feel as drained. Being in nature or exerting myself while interacting also makes it less draining (hiking or working out), probably because I can focus more on my own body and experience and less on the social contract and thus be my natural self more.
My colleagues are very understanding of my need to recharge, so we can have a lot of fun together but I can also let them know that I’m socially burnt out and need to work from home or alone with my tunes.
Sometimes burnout takes a long time to recharge, and then i need to force myself with baby steps to get back into socialising, but it is always worth it in the long run.
Social interaction is enjoyable (for the most part) for me. But your feelings about it are relatively common.
+1 for socially required
Some forms of social interaction are fun for me, others aren’t. I usually do better in smaller groups.
Are you not interacting with us socially here? If you don’t enjoy it why are you here.
Online and in person are two completely different things
Different forms of social interactions, sure. But it is still a form of social interaction.
People say there’s certain vibes but I define that as an intersection of hobbies interests life stages culture religion politics family dynamics etc past experiences
The beautiful part to me are the parts that are most memorable, the rest are just a blur. Maybe like a house party you stayed up the whole night or where your group did an impromptu trip etc. or had a major detour where everyone was stressed beyond repair.
Rare but they stick out as memories. The rest feels like social obligations that build up to those moments. We’re talking like 90:10 rarity. Also it factors in everyone’s mental state. It’s similar to how a team wins a game, the practice builds up to a moment.
Social interaction is enjoyable and a requirement for a social species. The fact that so many people in this thread are depressed, dejected and lonely is really sad. Despair is not a sustainable life strategy. Please if you are unable to find joy in social interaction find a community you do enjoy and start to be a part of that because the alternative is withering and death.
Maybe I am missing something but I do not see the beautiful part everyone talks about.
You gotta find people who “speak your language”. It’s a massive fucking bummer to always be second guessing myself around some neurotypical people but with my partner or friends I just love being with them?
I can actually be myself with my partner, and my friends are way more understanding of the way I communicate than the general public. That’s why we are friends, because we enjoy spending time with each other!
Most of my friends are through shared interests. Those come with the built-in bonus of generally being task oriented and time limited so I can try and avoid over extending myself. It’s also okay to head out when you aren’t feeling it anymore. No one wants to feel like an obligation.
I need a lot of time by myself, especially now that I am turbo burnt out. But I do think it’s important to have some kind of connection just so one doesn’t become too disconnected. If something comes up and you need to do a socializing it’s a lot easier if you’ve been socializing on your own terms.
Plus, it’s nice to take care of each other.
I’ve been reading some of these other replies and my input is that to me you sound depressed / burnt out. I do not say that as a psychologist or therapist, if you want that diagnosis you’d have to talk to a certified one; however, the times in my life I have been more depressed the more I agree with this sentiment and the less I’ve been depressed the less I agree.
I’d also like to remind you that you are asking this on Lemmy, which means a lot of responses you’ll get here are from a certain nerdy, shut-in type. I say this because people here are likely to agree already, which is good for sympathies but not for answering your actual question.
When people say they enjoy being social, they are not lying (with caveats). Most healthy people have at least a couple of relationships they deeply value, and if you’re missing that I think it’s worth continuing to meet people even if it’s a lot of effort.
Work-wise though, yeah people are mostly lying there. There’s a much stronger insentive structure to lie.
I want to reiterate you should look into whether you’ve got burnout or depression, especially given the current climate. Those both have a way of draining enjoyment from seemingly unrelated things, relationships usually being one of the first.
