Son is 16, best friend is 17, they go to the same high school. Best friend’s family’s wealthy. He bought son a brand new iPhone 16 Pro Max & a pair of AirPods Pro 2, so they can “match”. Son’s obviously very happy, but I think it’s a bit too much. I called the parents and they said it’s fine, it’s just pocket change.
- Is your bond solid?
- Does he know the value of work?
- Does he know how much most people would have to work to get that phone?
- Does his friendship nourish him?
Next time the parents decide they, assumingly from a good place, give your son an expensive gift, have them run it by you. Talk to them like they actually care for your son and know, for yourself, that your care is different than theirs. We all need a lot of caring adults when we’re young.
When i was maybe 11, couldn’t go on a class field trip because my family couldn’t afford it.
My friend group got the money together so i could join them.
I still wasnt allowed to go on the trip because what i learned late was embarrassment that my family could afford it.
It was less than 50$
I’m still salty about that
I don’t think that the gift in itself is a problem or that your son should return it, however I would talk to your son about a power imbalance and make sure that his friend isn’t asking for anything in return or manipulating him. Expensive gifts that have to be paid back is a tactic that gangs (allegedly) use to recruit people but if they are really best friends then I wouldn’t be worried.
the power imbalance is if the rich friend is giving as a way or the parents, said something about you being poor and needing help, that wouldve been insulting and wierd.
Probably just think about why that gift is a concern for you, then discuss your concerns with your boy
Money means different things to different people. Look at it this way:
A person is a billionaire and they buy your son a car worth $90k. That would be equivalent to if you make $100k and decide to purchase something for $9. Would you care if your son spent $9 on a friend?
I understand your reservations as I would have them too. But keep in mind, giving your kid that kind of access to a network of that level is priceless. As long as the friend isn’t making your son feel subservient or lesser in any way, I’d leave it be.
My only concern is that kids that come from that kind of money, have access to very expensive lawyers, and therefore take risks most people wouldn’t take. I have seen it happen in person where I live (well used to live). It was an affluent neighborhood and sometimes the kids of these affluent people were complete obnoxious assholes. Not all of them, but definitely a statistically significant portion. That’s what I would be more concerned with. Just my 2¢.
LET. YOUR. KID. KEEP. THE. DAMN. GIFT.
If you take it away, the damage you may cause to you and yours sons relationship will FAR exceed the value of a phone.
Also, and I’m not saying this as an insult, it sounds like this is less about a phone, and more about pride. You didn’t get your kid an expensive phone so him having it is a reminder his best friend’s patents can afford what you cannot. Maybe tell your child that they are so loved in this world by others that they want him to be blessed by gifts he wouldn’t otherwise have. Show him he’s a valuable person who has earned such a nice gesture because of who he is and what he means to others. Make sure he doesn’t take such a kind action for granted.
But please, let your boy keep the gift. Him having it means way more than it does to you giving it back.
I’m glad you’re involved enough to know this and care about it. I’m 44 and have no kids, so take this with a huge grain of salt… But I’d probably let my kid keep it. At 16 you can just sit them down and have a talk with them about it. (And it sounds like you have.) Let them know this means his friend’s family has money that he does not, and you do not.
Let him know that he shouldn’t take advantage of his friend’s cavalier attitude and kindness, nor should he let his friend’s familial wealth pressure him. He should appreciate this, but not expect it, or feel guilty about it. And let him know this is a complex thing, and if they need to talk about it, it’s better they approach you to talk about it early rather than late.
Underscore that this is squarely his friend’s parents money, not his friend’s. It can come and go at any time, and that’s okay. Value the friendship more than the money, and if that changes, don’t accept such gifts.
My folks would invite a cousin my age over for the night before Christmas when we were all in our mid teens. The next morning he would things like clothes, shoes, and an electric razor; things a young guy needs. My folks were not rich, just lower middle class and able to help out. It’s a different situation than you’re in. But if this family of your child’s friend has money and wants to spread the love and is capable of doing so in an adult and healthy way, I personally think 16 is an age at which someone can begin to deal with the complex dynamics of monetary differences.
You know your kid better than us strangers online. And remember, they also have you on their side. Growing up is going to be difficult anyway. Just be there for them when they need it, and they’ll probably be fine.
Edit: And also maybe get to know the other set of parents better. Explain to them you’re appreciative of their kindness, and so does your son, but that your concern is just that you don’t want it to create an awkward dynamic between your children in the future. Again 16 is young adult, but still a kid, so I understand your concern. They probably will to.
Getting him to returnerte it might damage the friendship and cause issues between you and his parents. Maybe try and find a mutual understanding that this is to much for future presents instead?
Let him keep the stuff. If the other boy’s parents don’t care, why should you?
why would you ask him to return, he dint buy it himself, and it was a gift. it might ruin thier friendship if you return it, it would be pretty wierd to do it, and kinda insulting.
This kind of expensive gift can turn into a “you owe me” kind of situation if the friendship becomes sour.
The phone was bought so the friends could match. This implies there is something negative about them not matching.
A discussion about materialism, peer pressure and fashion is what is needed.
Look at it from the other persons perspective they 1) feel comfortable doing this and 2) have the financial means to do so why not let them give their best friend a nice gift? I’m very fortunate to be at the income level I am but as a mom of a 19 and 20 year old if they had asked me to give their best friend a phone I would ask some questions like, do they need one? How old is theirs? Why can’t they afford one? Assuming they had a shitty old phone because they’re poor I would absolutely be ok with my kid giving a (long term) best friend a phone, especially if the friend was also open to it
Assuming they’re just well off and have normal parents I think it’s very possible this is a reasonable gift.
Anytime we have an expensive gift to a friend they personally called us on the phone to thank us, it was always awkward as hell to me but polite, so I think that’s the etiquette when you get a gift life this, to call and say tanks in person or to see them and thank them in person (the kids parents, assuming they bestie didn’t pay for it all on his own in which case that’s between the two of them imo the point of extra money is to spend it on people you love, you can’t take it with you after all)
So I’ve been on both sides of this equation. I had a rich friend growing up and they would give me random gifts like game consoles and tickets to concerts that we’d go with them. It was “pocket change” to them. As I got older, I came in to money young and started to do the same thing with my friends, and I realized why they did it and why I did it.
It’s nothing about power dynamics or holding it over others, but wanting to share in your joys and successes. I would buy dinner for friends at nice places because I wanted to enjoy something and I wanted them to also. They were my friends, I have money, why wouldn’t I want to share it? I hate when people are selfish and hoard money, so why not use it for everyone to enjoy.
In college, I had a job and one of my best friends didn’t. I’d often ask if he wanted to go do something, like bowling or grab some food. When he’d say he didn’t have any money, I’d say “I’m asking if you want to, not if you can. It’s on me.” I just wanted to hang out with my buddy.
Hahaha, I had a friend around college time where we had the exact same dialogue every time:
- Hey, wanna go watch a movie?
- I can’t, I don’t have any money
- How many times have I told you, I’m asking you if you want to, not if you can, I’ll pay for you
I wasn’t rich or anything, but paying for that extra ticket or meal wouldn’t break my bank and he was my friend, I enjoyed hanging out with, so I would gladly spend that money to hang out with him.
This logic is fine for concerts, restaurants etc. but it doesn’t stretch to friends having the same model of phone.
Eh, it definitely seems excessive, but it’s likely just a matter of scale. If they’re really that well off, then spending 2 grand on a phone would be similar to buying concert tickets, or bringing a friend along to a theme park, etc.
I’m having a go at the reasoning more than the value. If having matching phones and headphones is important for social status then something is very wrong somewhere.
Completely agree. Falls into the “some people have more money than sense” category.
Why not? If they are not old enough to drive or go places on their own the phone is probably the main way they communicate outside of school. My family does hand me down phones for kids and I could imagine having compatibility issues like old android vs new iPhone can’t video chat easily or whatever.
I’m not saying this is for sure the case, but I can envision a world where having compatible phones makes some things easier. It is surely not as bad as the good old days when some people had flip phones and some had smart phones. But there still may well be a gap.
I’m not arguing they shouldn’t have a phone. I’m saying there is absolutely no need to have exactly the same model and headphones.
That’s says there is something wrong with their social group.
Stuff like this is why I have a rule with my friends, because we are all varying levels of broke at various times.
Whomever suggests going out (typically no more than 3 people) must be fully prepared to cover the costs of everyone being invited. They usually don’t have to do so, but it ensures that nobody feels awkward because they can’t afford to go.
Good rule.
I’m like you. Not everyone is though. Or they might think they are, and the second they perceive any kind of sleight from the person they’ve showered with free gifts to enjoy, the resentment comes out: “after all I’ve done for you, how dare you [whatever].”
To be fair, this can come as a surprise to the gift giver too. People often legit aren’t aware that their heart is building up expectations as they do “nice things just to be nice.”
If you go back on your son receiving this gift, it’ll be a dick of a dad move. Like some people have mentioned your best bet is probably to have a discussion about wealth and ethics with your son as well as letting him know your concerns. Like some people say, it’s a lot of money for YOU, for these people it’s not.
Genuine serious question, and I’m certainly not implying that you should but, do you feel humiliated at all?
