Story time:

I was in the subway in Toronto. Was pretty busy so we’re all squeezed in. I had a satchel/messenger bag on that was on my right hip and in front of me was a woman and her boyfriend or husband or whatever. I’m minding my own business, looking around the cabin in my ADHD way at some stop when I suddenly hear “UH FUCKING EXCUSE ME?” I look back over and people had filtered out. The doors were closing and there was a lot more space in the compartment. So I backed up a bit and said “Sorry.” This woman then goes “NO, YOU FUCKING PERVERT. You do NOT get to get away with just saying I’m sorry.”

I’m now fully confused. I’m barely conscious to begin with so I have no fucking clue what is happening. I say as much, like “What are you talking about?” The dude with her is behind her shoulder looking equally as confused too. Back from me to her with puzzled expression. Not angry or worked up just… confused. She says “YOU GRABBED MY ASS YOU PERVERT!” I go from confused to joking dismissal and say “Girl, the fuck I did.” She gets more incensed, the boyfriend gets more confused and she launches into a tirade. About how when everyone passed by I tried to grab her ass but I did it too late and she KNOWS it was me. I just start laughing. Her boyfriend now starts to get a little mad because he has no idea what is going on and I’m just laughing in her face. She starts screaming louder like “YOU’RE JUST FUCKING LAUGHING AT ME? WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE! I’M GOING TO THE POLICE! THERE ARE CAMERAS ON THIS TRAIN!”

Laughing dies into a smile waiting for her to stop. She does. I pull out my phone and start saying “Honey, no. I did not grab your ass. I have no interest in it. Pretty sure my bag just bumped into your ass when I turned around (I had felt the bag bump into someone moments when I was just looking around the compartment before she started screaming at me but I didn’t put two and two together until then). I was not trying to grab your ass or anyone elses. But if I did? I’d be going after his first.” I nodded over her shoulder to her boyfriend and then brought up my now unlocked phone screen. I am a degenerate and my phone wallpaper is just dicks. Always dicks or gay sex of some variety. Never knew it’d come in handy.

The boyfriend started cackling, chick turned red which was visible under the 18 layers of foundation she was using to hide an acne problem and they stormed off on the next stop.