My boyfriend (m) and i (f) have been together of just about two years and we are going through a rough patch lately. We’ve been fighting a lot, and talking about going to couples counseling. It’s been exhausting, and unfortunately, i noticed he lets it affect special occasions too.

(This post is about my birthday but i will include valentines bc it was very recent, is similiar and could provide insight) The days before valentines, we were in the middle of a fight again, but i still went out of my way to get him something—even though i don’t have a car and had to ask someone to drive me. He, on the other hand, didn’t get me anything. Not even flowers (he knows i adore flowers). When i told him i was upset about that, he said it was because we were fighting that he didnt get anything. …okay, but that didn’t stop me, did it? (Last valentines when we weren’t fighting he also didnt get me anything though so)

After that, we settled things for a bit and were doing fine, but two weeks before my birthday, we got into the same argument again (its one reocurring issue). We weren’t talking much, but obviously, we both knew my birthday was coming up—it’s something he knows is really important to me.

A few days before my birthday, he said something so hurtful that i just hit my limit. I told him not to bother me on my birthday because i was so exhausted from fighting. He said that made him sad because he had wanted to spend time together and was drawing something for me. I told him: “i don’t want to see how nice you can be to me for one day and know that it’s all going to be over after this day ends.”

Fast forward to my birthday. First thing, that he messages me was not to say something nice or make me feel special. Instead, he brings up our ongoing fight. Then after that, he says, “i know we aren’t on good terms, but i did want to wish you a happy birthday.” and congratulated me and that was it.

The entire rest of the day? Nothing. No messages. No checking in. He didn’t show me the drawing he said he was working on. just… silence. and yeah, he sent me flowers, but they arrived two days late. and honestly, i was expecting some kind of gift, not just flowers. Because if i had been in his position, even if we were fighting, i would’ve still wanted to show him that he mattered to me. (like i did on valentines day)

Now, i know i told him not to bother me BUT:

• 1. he already ignored that when he messaged me to bring up something regarding our fight.
• 2. how could he just… go along with it? he knows i don’t have any friends where i live. he knows i was most certainly going to be all alone that day. If the roles were reversed, i would have immediately known he was just saying that out of anger and hurt, and i wouldn’t have let him spend his birthday alone. Its not even asking him to read my mind or anything its just. it doesnt take a lot to read inbetween the lines…

I’d like to add that, overall, he is a generous guy and sometiems gives me gifts randomly (and im always thankful!). But when it comes to occasions that actually matter to me to be celebrated/shown you care about the other he just… falls flat or is empty handed. It’s very confusing to me…

so, am i overreacting by feeling really hurt that he just let me be alone on my birthday and didnt even get me anything? or is this on me because i told him not to reach out?

thankful for any feedback ;(