Jackalope

Imagine the size of the hog on that statue omg

Leave it and turn it into a soup kitchen.

Fudgsicleius

I don’t know if I can ever truly be happy again. Not without a lobotomy.

How about “How’d you know my roommate’s name??”

That’s close enough for me.

I just woke up so I can’t formulate it, but there’s some joke about chivalry having an extramarital affair in my presence.

Exactly, lol. That’s noble, right?

Trust me, been there and it wasn’t for me.

I posted the full story in another comment, but that is the jist of it

I finally read the entirety of your comment, as I had wrongly assumed you had just quoted me the whole time (might wanna check your markup btw)

But yes, I’ve been sober for 7 years now. We maintain a loose friendship, like stereotypical men do with one another; he did not sleep with the girl, but his wife did sleep with her boss a few years after this whole kerfuffle. Is that irony?

Also maybe make sure there’s a second friend nearby at all times.

“You think I’m going to just let you ruin your marriage? You’re my best friend. I’ll kill you you stupid bastard.”

She slept with her boss a couple years later. Guess you can’t win em all.

“Ill keep you from ruining your marriage by ending your life.” Seemed pretty solid at the time.

Yeah I had some issues I guess. Though, to be fair, I also never murdered anyone.

We were working together in a different state; he kept talking about this girl we worked with; we got drunk at her place- some of us (me) drunker than others; he gave me a ride back to the house we were renting and then went back to the party; I was convinced he was gonna sleep with the girl, and was infuriated he’d do that to his lovely wife and their daughter; I got my pistol and was gonna shoot him when he got home; I was too drunk to chamber a round; our other roommate was there and wrestled the gun away from me.

It’s an insane bit of logic. “In order to keep you from ruining your marriage, I’m going to kill you.”

His wife ended up sleeping with her boss a few years later, too, so. 🤷‍♂️

When I was an alcoholic, I wanted to keep my best friend from ruining his marriage by having an affair, so I tried to murder him with a gun. Pretty sure I would’ve gone about it differently had I been sober.

I have “beaten as a child because I complained about my socks too often and now it doesn’t matter if I wear them or not because it makes me equally anxious either way” sensory issues