Listen yes. Hear not always

Parents are humans with their own flaws and backstories. They’ve had (presumably) 20 years of the worlds bullshit flung at them before you entered the picture. Can they be nice? Sure. But as you become an adult try to forgive them for the times they failed. Chances are they were doing the best they could with what they had at the time.

As a parent I try to listen with an open mind and admit when I’m probably a little biased. I still get called out and grump about it.

If there’s anything you want to share, I’m willing to listen.

One of them doesn’t listen at all. He’s also dead so I’m willing to overlook his blatant lack of enthusiasm.

I have one bio parent I can do that with, and I know I’m privileged to have that. To be able to confide, ask questions, seek advice, break down, or even just play cards together provides a certain level of mental safety I didn’t experience otherwise.

I only hope I can provide even a fraction of that to others; everybody deserves safe people.

I have parents that are kind and will listen without judgement and be supportive.

My father is reliably discreet. My mother is a gossip, though, and I can’t tell her anything I don’t want the entire family to know.

I had a good relationship with my dad, but he passed when I was 21. I’ve now been alive longer without a father than with one. He had major faults: racist, homophobic, and started going Baptist when he got cancer. If he had survived it, I think that downfall would have progressed and he’d be a fucking Maggot by now. I don’t think he’d get along well with his pansexual son, bisexual DIL and transgender grandkids. So, and this is not a good feeling, I’m a little appreciative of the fact the relationship ended when it was still good. But I’m haunted by what it would have been like if he survived. Like I said, we had a really good relationship. He taught me all kinds of outdoorsman skills, taught me how to keep family close, and how to honor my word. I don’t know if I could have handled if he survived and continued along that path.

My mom always lived for herself and was abusive. I still flinch when someone touches my face because she hit us so much. I cut ties on my wedding day almost 10 years ago and am much happier and healthier.

They both taught me how not to parent and as long as I keep in mind how their words and actions made me feel, I know how to be a good dad to my kids. I’m not going to say they did me a favor there, but I do rely on that lesson to guide me.

No. Where are my r/estrangedadultchild buddies at?

IDK if I can tell them anything, but certainly most things. They’re very nice.

I’m pretty close with my mum but have had a tendency to not tell her about struggles I have, not because of anything she has done but rather because of shame and not wanting to make her sad. She would listen and is very non-judgemental but I’d rather shoulder it on my own. The only caveat to that is that she is proper anti-drugs.

Dad was a dickhead and he can RIP in piss.

I must admit I’m one of the few who can recognize both his parents in this description. Both with their flaws and icks but they are wonderful human beings who have grown me in the man I am today and still remain a reference point to go back to when things get dire or difficult.

I hope everyone or at least a vast majority of people will experience this is a near future; be the best versions of yourselves, if not for you do it for your children!!!

My dad was like that, he was my safe person and would always celebrate my success, had wise advice and truly cared for my wellbeing. When I became a parent, many things from the way he taught me were passed on to my own kid. Then he died. That was ten years ago and I miss him everyday.

My mom was abusive all through me and my sibling’s upbringing, she stills is, mind you but I am very low contact/ on the brink of no contact now. As a mother myself, I have done the exact opposite of what she did to me so my kid is treated with respect, compassion, genuinecuriosity about their interests, acceptance and grace. They will not know what not being loved or unwanted feels like.

I’m good with my parents. They have their normal human flaws, which I accept happiky.

Are you a parent yourself? It’s really difficult. You can’t help but bring a lot of baggage. There’s a podcast I lesten to, to improve parenting that runs a workshop called “taming your triggers”. Having children exposes a lot of wounds and personal baggage. It’s really difficult to recognise and address those on yourself as a parent. Your description of expectations from a parent are so idealised, I would argue that there are very few individuals who are actually successful in being that good and selfless.

This is interesting if you’ve got an hour to watch a philosophy video. He takes a couple of questions about parenting at the end as well.

Nice yes

Listen no

I used to. Once my dad died my family pretty much unraveled and they’re all reactionary morons nowadays. It was a huge shock seeing how the patriarchy truly operates in america. Like my mom and two brothers became emotionally 10 years old once he was gone. That was seven years ago and our current relationship is so foreign from my upbringing.

Nice yes, listening no.

I will never be judged for or attacked by the things I tell her but ten seconds later those things have been overwritten in her mind by different things that she also won’t judge for or attack with.

It made for a complicated childhood.